Boyfriend Girlfriend Jokes
Really Insulting
Girlfriend: One of my ancestors was actually a king.
Boyfriend: I never knew you were a desendant of King Kong.
Girlfriend: One of my ancestors was actually a king.
Boyfriend: I never knew you were a desendant of King Kong.
Funny Timing Joke
Boyfriend: For the last time I am telling you that I didn't come here to get insulted.
Girlfriend: Then where else do you usually go?
Boyfriend: For the last time I am telling you that I didn't come here to get insulted.
Girlfriend: Then where else do you usually go?
Insulting Date
Boyfriend: Doesn't this date make you long for another?
Girlfriend: Yes, but no one else would come.
Boyfriend: Doesn't this date make you long for another?
Girlfriend: Yes, but no one else would come.
The Fool
Girlfriend: By BF could be an even bigger fool but he lacks ambition.
Girlfriend: By BF could be an even bigger fool but he lacks ambition.
Intelligent
Girlfriend: You are so intelligent that you brighten the place whereever...
Boyfriend: whereever I go?
Girlfriend: No, whereever you leave.
Girlfriend: You are so intelligent that you brighten the place whereever...
Boyfriend: whereever I go?
Girlfriend: No, whereever you leave.
The miser
What is the height of miser-liness?
A man who is so stingy that if he were a ghost, he wouldn't even give a fright.
What is the height of miser-liness?
A man who is so stingy that if he were a ghost, he wouldn't even give a fright.
The perfect idiot
Boyfriend: Do you thing I am a perfect idiot?.
Girlfriend: I keep telling you that you are not perfect.
Boyfriend: Do you thing I am a perfect idiot?.
Girlfriend: I keep telling you that you are not perfect.
Insulting Joke
Girlfriend: There is nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for you in life.
Boyfriend: Do you love me so much honey?
Girlfriend: Well, what I meant was that I am going to spend my life doing nothing for you.
Girlfriend: There is nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for you in life.
Boyfriend: Do you love me so much honey?
Girlfriend: Well, what I meant was that I am going to spend my life doing nothing for you.
Nice sense of humor and timing
Girlfriend: I am soon approaching 25.
Boyfriend: From which direction?
Girlfriend: I am soon approaching 25.
Boyfriend: From which direction?
BF who plays the Guitar
Boyfriend: How do I play the guitar?
Girlfriend: You should be on TV for your talent.
Boyfriend: Am I so good?
Boyfriend: If you were on TV, I can atleast switch it off.
Boyfriend: How do I play the guitar?
Girlfriend: You should be on TV for your talent.
Boyfriend: Am I so good?
Boyfriend: If you were on TV, I can atleast switch it off.
Witty GF and silly BF
Boyfriend: Can we have a battle of intelligence between us?
Girlfriend: No thanks, I don't fight an unarmed person.
Boyfriend: Can we have a battle of intelligence between us?
Girlfriend: No thanks, I don't fight an unarmed person.
A gift for girlfriend
Man 1: I want to buy a gift for my girlfriend for her birthday but I don't know what she would like. Give me a suggestion.
Man 2: Does she like you?
Man 1: Yes
Man 2: Then she would like anything.
Man 1: I want to buy a gift for my girlfriend for her birthday but I don't know what she would like. Give me a suggestion.
Man 2: Does she like you?
Man 1: Yes
Man 2: Then she would like anything.
Hilarious Joke
Boyfriend: I need to tell you a secret that I haven't told you so far: I a seeing a psychiatrist.
Girlfriend: Oh! I need to tell you a truth too. I am seeing a psychiatrist, plumber and a mechanic.
Boyfriend: I need to tell you a secret that I haven't told you so far: I a seeing a psychiatrist.
Girlfriend: Oh! I need to tell you a truth too. I am seeing a psychiatrist, plumber and a mechanic.
English Jokes
Hindi Jokes is the funniest collection of hilarious short jokes in Hindi, Hindi jokes in English and santa banta jokes which are both entertaining to read and good timepass. Enjoy and have a jolly time reading these best Hindi jokes and short joke collection which will give you lots of good and happy times.
Hindi Jokes will leave you in splits and laughing out loud and will provide lots of fun time and they are good for timepass when you are bored or providing relief from stress from everyday life full of tension.
Hindi Jokes
Teacher: OXFORD matlab kya hai?
Student: OX matlab bail, FORD matlab Gaadi. to OXFORD matlab bail gaadi
Teacher: raju, tum kis liye college aate ho?
Student: vidya ke khaatir
Teacher: toh ab so kyu rahe ho?
Student: aaj vidya nahi aayi hai sir
Pati: mere marne ke baad, kyaa tum doosri shaadi karogi?
Patni: nahi. main apni behan ki saath rahungi. aap?
Pati: main bhi tumhaare behan ke saath rahunga
1st wife: tumhaara sharaabi pati roz peekar ghar aata hai na. tum poochti kyu nahi ho.
2nd wife: main poochi thi. lekin unhone mujhe diyaa nahi.
Doctor: aap dariye mat. main hoo na.
Patient: wahi mera sabse bada dar hai doctor.
Patient: Doctor, yeh mera pehla operation hai. thoda dhyaan se karna.
Doctor: dara mat. yeh mera bhi pehla operation hai
Doctor: is dawaa ko ek hafte main poora karo aur baad main aake milo.
Patient: teek hai doctor
(ek hafte ke baad)
Doctor: dawaa khatam huaa kya?
Patient: nahi doctor.
Doctor: kyu nahi?
Patient: usme likhaa thaa ke, bottle ko hamesha bandh rakhe
Funny Hindi Jokes
1st beggar: arey, tum kyu us cinema poster ko aise gur rahe ho?
2nd beggar: main hee is cinema ka producer hoo
Beggar: 10 rupaiya dedo saab. girlfriend ko phone karni hai.
Saab ka girlfriend: dekho, bhikaari bhi apni girlfriend ko kitna pyar karta hai.
Beggar: nahi memsaab, use pyar karne ke baad hee main bhikaari ban gayaa
Maalik: arey, tune 500 saal puraani ghadi thod dee hai.
naukar: bach gaya saab, main to samjha yeh nayaa hai
Ramu: Sir, mere ghar mein TV chodke baaki sabki chori hogayi hai?
Police: chor ne sirf TV kisliye chodaa hoga?
Ramu: mujhe kya pataa sir? main us samay TV mein serial dekh rahaa thaa
Jokes in Hindi
Autowaala: sorry sir, meter daalna bhool gaya.
santa: problem nahi hai. main bhi apna purse bhool aaya. chodo
Car chalaataa huaa Santa ko road mein "ACCIDENT ZONE" ka board dikhaa. isliye santa ne sochaa:
"Yeh log accident zone mein kyu road banaate hai?"
Ek kadvaa sach :-)
Behan ki friend behan ho sakti hai,
Bhai ka friend Bhai ho sakta hai,
lekin wife ka friend wife nahi ban sakti
suma: maa, raju ne mujhe kiss de diyaa
maa: haan kya? rukho main poochti hoo.
suma: nahi maa. tum poochoge to woh nahi degaa
Paagal 1: main Taj Mahal ko kareedh loonga
Paagal 2: main use abhi bhech nahi rahaa hoo
Customer: yeh kya offer hai? TV liya to 10 kerchief free!!!
Salesman: TV serials dekhne ke baad aapki aansoo ponchne ke liye
Boy: kal maine tumhaare ghar gaya tha. lagta hai hamaari shaadi nahi hogi.
girl: kyu? pappa se mile the kya?
Boy: nahi, tumhaare behan se milaa tha
Manager: hamaare bank mein hum aapko binaa interest ke loan denge.
customer: arey, jab dena hai to thoda haste haste dona. agar dene mein interest nahi hai, to mat do
Doctor Patient Hindi Jokes
Doctor: aapko isse pehle kabhi heart attack hua thaa kya?
Patient: haa doctor, bichle baar jab aap bill diye the
Nurse: udhaas kyu baite ho sir?
Doctor: dopahar jiska operation kiya tha, woh mar gaya.
Nurse: arey woh to post mortem tha.
Doctor: to main subah kiska post mortem kiyaa tha
Patient: Doctor, kya aapko yakeen hai ke mujhe cancer hai. kyunki ek baar kisi doctor ne
cancer ka ilaaj karte the aur patient TB se mar gaya.
Doctor: gabraao nahi... agar main ilaaj karungaa to tum sirf cancer se hi maroge.
Doctor: sharaab peena haanikaarak hai. is vichaar main mujhe aapse baath karni hai.
Patient: theek hai doctor. sham ko moonlight bar mein milenge.
Doctor: aapke pati ko zyaada rest ki zaroorat hai. yeh sleeping tablets leejiye.
Wife: unko yeh kab dena hai doctor?
Doctor: yeh unke liye nahi, aapke liye hai :-)
Doctor: dekhiye, yeh bimaari khaandaani hai. aapke daadaaji se shuru hui hai.
Patient: bach gaya!!! tab aap yeh operation mere daadaaji ko hee keejiye.
Patient: Doctor, meri beti ko aajkal kuch sunaayi nahi deti hai
Doctor: kya? tumhe 5 din se bukhaar hai aur tum abhi aa rahe ho!
Wife: doctor ji, mere pati neend mein baat karna shuru kardiye hai. kya karu?
Doctor: din mein unko baat karne kaa mouka deejiye.
Doctor: roz hotel mein khaane se hee aapko ulcer hui hai?
Patient: to aaj se mein ghar ko parcel leke jaaunga
Patient: doctor, mujhe 3 mahine se khaasi hai.
Doctor: itne din kyu chup the?
Patient: chup kaun tha doctor. main to khaas rahaa tha.
Doctor: operation ke baad ab sab teek hai. tum sab kuch sun sakte ho.
Patient: aapne kuch bola kya?
Doctor: aap dariye mat. main hoo na.
Patient: aap rahenge. lekin main rahoonga kya?
Doctor: tum abhi 2 ganto main mar jaanewaale ho. kya tumhaara koi aakhri khwaaish hai?
Patient: Haanji, ek achche doctor ko consult karna hai
Hilarious Jokes in Hindi
Public to Santa: us rowdy ke vajah se hum pareshaan hai. use haamare area se bhagaane ka koi tareeka bataao?
Santa: aasaan hai, use election mein khadaa karke MLA banaa do. agle 5 saal tak woh tumhaare area ki taraf nahi aayega.
Ramu: tum kaunsi soap use karte ho?
Banta: Main Santa Soap, Santa Paste aur Santa Shampoo use karta hoo
Ramu: wo kya international brand hai kya?
Banta: nahi, santa mera room mate hai.
Santa: tumhaara beta bilkul tumhaara jaisa hi dikhtaa hai.
Banta: dheere se bol... woh padosi ka beta hai
Santa: agar electricity nahi hota to kya hota?
Banta: raat mein candle light mein TV dekhna padta tha
Driver: Poora petrol khatam ho gayi hai. ab aage nahi bad sakte.
Santa: teek hai, gaadi reverse lo aur ghar vaapas chalo
Santa: Tumhe kyu arrest kiya gayaa hai?
banta: maine 50 rupaye ka chillar diya. isliye.
santa: usme kya galti hai?
banta: maine chillar mein do 25 rupaye ka note diyaa tha :-)
Santa: "impossible" shabd mere dictionary mein nahi hai
Banta: arey yaar, ab bataake kyaa faayda. dictionary lete samay check karlenaa thaa na
Examiner santa se: yeh kya hai? tumne khaali paper kyu diye ho?
Santa: kyunki neatness ke liye 5 marks hai, isliye
Santa: maine apni shaadi kaa aamantran patra bejaa thaa na? kyu nahi aaya?
Banta: lekin mujhe koi patra nahi milaa
Santa: arey yaar, maine usme likha thaa na. patra nahi milaa to bhi, zaroor aane ke liye!!!
Santa: bhaisaab, yahaa se mumbai kitna door hai?
Vyakti: 400 km.
Santa: baap re, mujhe aaj hi vaapas lautnaa hai. mumbai se yahaa tak kitnaa door hai?
Pati Patni Hindi Jokes
Patni: swamiji ne kahaa ke swarg mein pati patni ko saath rehne nahi dete hai
Pati: isiliye usae swarg kehete hai :-)
1st Man: shaadi ke baad main lakhpati ban gaya.
2nd Man: use kyu itnaa udhaas bol rahe ho?
1st Man: usse pehle mein crorepati tha
Pati: aaj sunday hai aur aish karna. movie ke liye 3 ticket laayaa hoon.
Patni: teen kyu?
Pati: tumhe aur tumhaare maata pitaa ke liye.
Patni: agar main mar jaaungi, to aap royenge kya?
Pati: ab kya has rahaa hoo kya?
Patni: dekhoji, hamaare shantabai ki pati, usko khush rakhne ke liye, har hafte movie pe le jaate hai. aap kyu nahi karte ho aise?
Pati: arey, maine bhi shantabai ko movie ke liye bulaaya. lekin usne manaa kardi. isme meri kya galti hai?
Husband and Wife Hindi Jokes
Wife: jab aap chashma utaarte ho, bahut handsome dikte ho.
Husband: haa dear, jab main chashma utaarta hoo, tum bhi bahut khoobsoorat dikti ho
Wife: suniye, hum is hafte poora cinema dekhenge, agle hafte poora shopping karenge.
Husband: uske baad ke hafte poora mandir jaayenge
Wife: kyu?
Husband: bheek maangne ke liye
Husband: agar operation mein mujhe kuch hua to tum us doctor se hi shaadi kar lena.
Wife: aise kyu bol rahe ho?
Husband: usse badla lene ka doosra tareeka nahi hai.
Wife: aji, koi peeche mere pair choo rahaa hai.
Husband: peeche mud ke apna chehra dikha, woh choonaa bandh kar dega
Wife: aapse milne doctorji aaye hai
Husband: mujhe bukhaar hai. unhe kal aane ke liye bolo
Husband: tum khaana bahut achchi banaati ho
Wife: tum jitna bhi maska lagaao, khaana tumhe hee banaanaa padega
School Jokes in Hindi
Teacher: agar shabd pradooshan kam karna hai to kya karna hai?
Student: hamaare kaan bandh kar leni hai.
Teacher: varthamaan, bhoot aur bhavishyat kaal ke udhaaharan do
Student: Madam, kal maine aapki beti ko dekha, aaj main usse pyar kar rahaa hoo aur kal usse shaadi karungaa.
Teacher Student School Hindi Jokes
Principal: class ko der kyu pahunche?
Student: sir, gaadi puncture ho gaya tha
Principal: to tumhe bus mein aana tha
Student: socha tha sir, lekin aapki beti sunti hi nahi ha
Anpad baap: jaise bhi ho, 4 saal ka apna padaai pooraa kardiye. aage kya karoge?
Beta: ji, arrears naam ka ek course hai, use pooraa karna hai.
Teacher: tumhaare aur harish ka answers ek jaise hai. woh kaise?
Student: kyunki question ek hi tha na masterji, isliye :-)
Teacher: Tumhaara Maa kaa naam kya hai?
LKG student: Mummy
Teacher: 5 mark lekar bhi tum has kyu rahe ho?
Student: main yeh soch raha hoo ke woh 5 marks kaise mila :-)
Teacher: agar aise hee padte rahoge, zindagi mein kuch nahi banoge.
Student: jab zindagi mein kuch nahi banunga, tab main bhi ek teacher ban jaaunga sir.
Teacher: jisko kaan sunaayi nahi deta hai, aap use kya bulaate hai?
Santa: kuch bhi bulaa sakte hai. kyunki use sunaayi nahi detaa hai na.
Teacher: duniya ke sabse puraana praani kaunsi hai?
Student: zebra hai sir
Teacher: kaise:
Student: kyunki, woh black and white hai na
Teacher: tumhaara homework kyu tumhaare pitaa ke handwriting main hai?
Student: maine unka pen use kiyaa thaa sir
Teacher: bachcho, agar man se praarthanaa kare to bhagwan aapki kwaaish poora karenge.
Student: woh sab jhoot hai sir.
Teacher: kyu?
Student: agar woh sach hota to, ab tak aap doosre school chale jaate
Teacher: jeene ke liye Oxygen zaroori hai. ise 1773 mein aavishkaar kiye.
Pappu: baap re bach gaya!! agar usse pehle paida hota to main mar jaata
Teacher: Akbar kaun tha?
Student: pata nahi sir.
Teacher: padaai ke taraf dyaan do, pataa chalegaa
Student: Aap battayiye. Suresh kaun hai?
Teacher: pata nahi.
Student: apni beti ki taraf dyaan dijiye, pata chalega.
Teacher: 4+3=7 aur 5+4=9, ab tum bataao 45+5 kitna hua?
Student: Kya sir? aasaan sawaalo ka jaavaab aap de diye aur mushkil savaal mujhse kar rahe ho
Jokes in Hindi
Santa: main shaadi karke khush rahna chaahtaa hoo.
Banta: arey yaar, mazaak mat karo. hasne ki mood nahi hai.
Santa apne bete ko: is baar agar exam mein fail huaa, to mujhe pitaji mat bulaana.
kuch din ke baad,
Santa: result ka kya hua?
Santa ka beta: sorry santa
Santa: main england jaane ke baare mein soch rahaa hoon.
Banta: bahut paise kharch hoga na.
Santa: nahi banta, sochne ke liye paise kyu?
Santa aur banta ko 500 ka ek note milaa.
Santa: hum ise 50-50 karlenge
Banta: baaki 400 kaa kya karoge?
Santa: kahaa gayaa thaa yaar?
Banta: girlfriend ke saath movie dekhne
Santa: kitna kharchaa huaa?
Banta: 500 Rs
Santa: itnaa huaa kya?
Banta: kya karu? uske paas itnaa hee thaa yaar
Santa: kelaa kitna hai?
Dukaanwala: 1 Rupay
Santa: 60 paise mein doge kya?
Dukaanwala: itne me to sirf kele kaa chilkaa hi milegaa
Santa: to 40 paise leke sirf kelaa dedo
Santa: padosi se hatouda maang leke aanaa zara
Banta: maangaa thaa, lekin nahi diye
Santa: log bahut laalchi bangaye hai. chalo, hamaara hatouda leke aao jaldi
Santa: police ne tumhe kyu arrest kiya?
Banta: maine purse se paise nikhaal ke kharchaa kar diyaa thaa
Santa: baap re!! is liye bhi arrest karte hai kya?
Banta: purse kisi aur kaa thaa yaar
Funniest Hindi Jokes
Santa: mera beta meri baat sunta hi nahi hai
Banta: kyu? itna gamandi hai kya?
Santa: nahi. woh behara hai
Santa: tumne us aadmi ko aisa kyu maara?
Banta: usne mujhe poocha ke "Khaana khaaye kya"?
Santa: arey, bhala hi poocha hai na. phir kyu maara?
Banta: main toilet mein baita tha
Santa: mera beta raat bhar book ke saamne hee baita rahta hai.
Banta: lekin phir bhi woh fail kyu huaa?
Santa: wah book 'facebook' tha, isliye
Santa: main apni wife ko bahut pyar karta hoo. tum?
Banta: woh to tumhaari wife hai. main kaise pyar kar sakta hoo?
santa ka beta: Sirji, jab aap paath padaate ho, to mujhe mere pitaa ki yaad aati hai.
Sirji: achchi baath hai. kisliye unki yaad aati hai?
santa ka beta: unko bhi aap hi ke jaise padaana nahi aata hai.
Santa nurse se bola: aapne mera dil churaa liyaa hai.
Nurse: hmmm... maine dil churaane se pehle doctor ne aapka kidney churaa liyaa hai
Santa: shaadi ke baad tumhaari jimmedaari badgayee hai kya?
Banta: haan yaar. pehle sirf mere liye khaana pakaana tha. ab mere biwi ke liye bhi pakaanaa pad rahaa hai.
Santa aur Wife Hindi Joke
Santa: tumhaari wife kyu hamesha gussa rahti hai?
Banta: maine galti se use bola tha ki "tum gusse main bhi bahut khoob lagti ho"
Santa Banta Jokes in Hindi
Santa: pappa agar main exam pass karunga to kya doge?
Pappa: ek cycle dilaadoonga
Santa: agar fail hua to?
Pappa: 10 cycle dilaaunga
Santa: woh kyu?
Pappa: padhaai bandh karke cycle shop khol lo
Santa: navy mein kaam hai. karoge?
Banta: zaroor. kya kaam hai?
Santa: jab ship beech samundar mein ruk jaata hai, to tumhe peeche se use dakhelnaa hai
Police: aapki car ki accident kaise hua?
Santa: woh to mujhe bhi pata nahi hai sir. tab main so rahaa tha?
Santa ne apna cellphone leke dentist ke pass gaya tha. kyu?
kyunki use check karna tha ke uske cell mein bluetooth hai ki nahi.
Doctor: bantaji, khaane baad neend ki goliya lee na aapne.
Banta: uff!! khaane ke baad zor se neend aa raha tha to maine goli lena bhool gaya
Santa Banta Funny Hindi Jokes
Santa ka ghoda kho gayaa tha aur waha bahut khush tha
Banta: arey, tumhaara ghoda kho gaya hai aur tum khush ho? jyu?
Santa: main is liye khush hoo ke jab vo kho gaya to main uske saath nahi tha. hota to main bhi kho jaata na!!!
Santa ki girlfriend: Ab hame jaldi shaadi kar leni chahiye.
Santa: achcha... lekin hame shaadi karega koun?
pappa: mummy kyu chup baithi hai?
santa: kuch nahi, mummy ne lipstick maangi thi, lekin maine fevistick de diya
Pappa: sunitha ko dekho, 1st class mein pass kee hai.
santa: haa, use dekhtaa rahaa to isiliye main fail ho gaya
Santa: waiter, ek coffee laana. kitna hai?
Waiter: 50 Rs.
Santa: saamnewaali dukhaan main to 50 ps hai
Waiter: woh xerox dukhaan hai sir
Santa Banta Hindi Jokes
Banta: Santa, itna udhaas kyu baita hai?
Santa: yaar betting mein maine 2000 gavaa diyaa :-(
Banta: kaise?
Santa: India pe 1000 rupaiye ka bet lagaaya tha aur India ne match haar gaya
Banta: lekin 2000 kaise?
Santa: aaj us match ka highlights daale. India pe ummeed rakh ke phir 1000 dala tha.
Beta: Papa, aap engineer kaise bane?
Santa: uske liye bahut dimaag ka zaroorat padta hai.
Beta: haa pata hai, isiliye mujhe samajh mein nahi aa rahaa hai ke aap kaise engineer bane?
Boss: tumhe MS office pata hai?
Santa: agar address denge to main doond looonga sir
Santa: pata hai, bachpan mein mujhe ek bus ne zor se dakka maar diya tha.
Banta: baap re, tu mar gaya ke bach gaya?
Santa: mujhe yaad nahi hai. main tab 4 saal ka tha
Santa: sab log kyu bhaag rahe hai?
Banta: yeh race hai. jo jeetega use prize milega
Santa: agar sirf jeetnewaale ko prize milega to itne log kyu bhaaga rahe hai?
Mix Jokes
Comedy Hindi Jokes
Man: Bed majbut banana, Mere BETE ko BAHU k sath sona hai.
Mistri: Aisa Majbut Bed banaunga SARA MOHALLA BAHU k sath SOEGA to bhi nahi tutega..!
Beta: Papa apki shaadi ho gayi?
Papa: Haan.
Beta: Kis se hui?
Papa: Bewkuf teri mummy se..
Beta: Wah papa ghar me hi setting kar li.
MAA-Beta Apple Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Beta Mengo Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Beta Orange Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Bilkul Baap Par Gaya Hai,
Chappal Hi Khayega.
Baith kar apni mehbuba ki zulfo k saye me aisa josh aaya,
wah wah!
Phir..
phir..
Usk Papa ne dekh liya aur I.C.U. me hosh aaya.
Love Aur Arrange Marriage Me Kya Faraq He
Love Marriage Me Aap Apni Girlfriend Se Shadi Karte Hai
Aur
Arrange Marriage Me
Kisi Aur Ki ;-)
Raja or Rani ne fix kiya ki ab baat Mobile se nhi Kabutar se karenge.1 din Rani ne bina khat k kabutar uda diya.Raja bola:
Ye kya?
Rani boli miss call yaar.
Khud ko kar kanjoos itna ki..
har sms bhejne se pehle,
SERVICE CENTER wale khud call kar k puche..
Bata sach me bhejna he ya galti se sent ho gaya tha.
Man: Bed majbut banana, Mere BETE ko BAHU k sath sona hai.
Mistri: Aisa Majbut Bed banaunga SARA MOHALLA BAHU k sath SOEGA to bhi nahi tutega..!
Beta: Papa apki shaadi ho gayi?
Papa: Haan.
Beta: Kis se hui?
Papa: Bewkuf teri mummy se..
Beta: Wah papa ghar me hi setting kar li.
MAA-Beta Apple Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Beta Mengo Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Beta Orange Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Bilkul Baap Par Gaya Hai,
Chappal Hi Khayega.
Baith kar apni mehbuba ki zulfo k saye me aisa josh aaya,
wah wah!
Phir..
phir..
Usk Papa ne dekh liya aur I.C.U. me hosh aaya.
Love Aur Arrange Marriage Me Kya Faraq He
Love Marriage Me Aap Apni Girlfriend Se Shadi Karte Hai
Aur
Arrange Marriage Me
Kisi Aur Ki ;-)
Raja or Rani ne fix kiya ki ab baat Mobile se nhi Kabutar se karenge.1 din Rani ne bina khat k kabutar uda diya.Raja bola:
Ye kya?
Rani boli miss call yaar.
Khud ko kar kanjoos itna ki..
har sms bhejne se pehle,
SERVICE CENTER wale khud call kar k puche..
Bata sach me bhejna he ya galti se sent ho gaya tha.
Comedy Hindi Jokes
Ek murgi market gayi, aur dukaandar se boli, “ek anda dena.”
Dukaandar bola, “sharm nahin aati, murgi hokar anda mangti ho.”
Murgi boli, “mere pati ne kaha hai ki 3 rupyee ke ande ke liye
apna figure kharab mat karo.”
Ek aadmi bhagwaan se bola, “india se usa tak pakki sadak banwa dijiye.”
Bhagwan bole, “mushkil hai kuch aur maang lo.” Aadmi bola,
“To phir aap meri biwi ko samajhdaar aur aagyakari bana dijiye.”
Bhagwan bole, “sadak single banana hai ya double.”
Ek naye teacher ne ek bachche se poocha, “is pakshi ke pair dekho aur iska naam batao.
” Bachche ne kaha, “ pata nahin.” Teacher ne kaha, “ Tum fail ho gaye,batao tumhara naam batao.
” Bachche ne kaha “Mere pair dekho aur naam batao”.
ek baar aadmi ne bhagwan se kaha,
“aapne aurat ko itna sundar kyon banaya hai?”
Bhagwan bole,”taki tum unse pyaar kar sako.”
Aadmi bola, “ to phir unhe itna bevkoof kyon banaya hai?”
bhagwan ne jawab diya, “taki wo tumse pyaar kar sake.”
ek aadmi ke paas uske doctor ka phone aaya.
Docor ne kaha, “Mere pass tumhe sunane ke liye ek achchi khabar hai,
aur ek buri khabar hai.pahle kya sunoge?”
aadmi bola, “pahle mujhe achchi khabar suna do.”
Doctor bola, “good news hai ki tumhe marne me 24 ghante baaki hain.”
Aadmi bola, “oh no, aur buri khabar kya hai?”
Doctor bola,”buri khabar ye hai ki ye khabar sunanae ke liye
main tumhe kal phone karna bhool gaya.”
Chota baby- mummy raat ko jab me susu karne gaya to bathroom
Ki light jal gayi,
Mummy- haramjade tu aaj fir freeze me susu kar aaya…!!
Teacher:-MotorCycle k Kitne Tyers Hote hai?
Smart Santa:- 6 Tyre
Teacher(Gusse se): How?
Santa:- 4 Motor k 2 Cycle k!G.M.
College ke first day; Ladka: Tumhara naam kya hai? Ladki: Mujhe sab didi kehte hai.. Ladka: WOW MUJHE SAB JIJAJI KEHTE HAIN!
Teacher- Bataao bachcho jo galat kaam karte hain wo kaha jate hain??
Student- sharmate huye bola sir..
Manuabhaan tekri, EKAANT park, Chinar park, MAYUR park...
Ek murgi market gayi, aur dukaandar se boli, “ek anda dena.”
Dukaandar bola, “sharm nahin aati, murgi hokar anda mangti ho.”
Murgi boli, “mere pati ne kaha hai ki 3 rupyee ke ande ke liye
apna figure kharab mat karo.”
Ek aadmi bhagwaan se bola, “india se usa tak pakki sadak banwa dijiye.”
Bhagwan bole, “mushkil hai kuch aur maang lo.” Aadmi bola,
“To phir aap meri biwi ko samajhdaar aur aagyakari bana dijiye.”
Bhagwan bole, “sadak single banana hai ya double.”
Ek naye teacher ne ek bachche se poocha, “is pakshi ke pair dekho aur iska naam batao.
” Bachche ne kaha, “ pata nahin.” Teacher ne kaha, “ Tum fail ho gaye,batao tumhara naam batao.
” Bachche ne kaha “Mere pair dekho aur naam batao”.
ek baar aadmi ne bhagwan se kaha,
“aapne aurat ko itna sundar kyon banaya hai?”
Bhagwan bole,”taki tum unse pyaar kar sako.”
Aadmi bola, “ to phir unhe itna bevkoof kyon banaya hai?”
bhagwan ne jawab diya, “taki wo tumse pyaar kar sake.”
ek aadmi ke paas uske doctor ka phone aaya.
Docor ne kaha, “Mere pass tumhe sunane ke liye ek achchi khabar hai,
aur ek buri khabar hai.pahle kya sunoge?”
aadmi bola, “pahle mujhe achchi khabar suna do.”
Doctor bola, “good news hai ki tumhe marne me 24 ghante baaki hain.”
Aadmi bola, “oh no, aur buri khabar kya hai?”
Doctor bola,”buri khabar ye hai ki ye khabar sunanae ke liye
main tumhe kal phone karna bhool gaya.”
Chota baby- mummy raat ko jab me susu karne gaya to bathroom
Ki light jal gayi,
Mummy- haramjade tu aaj fir freeze me susu kar aaya…!!
Teacher:-MotorCycle k Kitne Tyers Hote hai?
Smart Santa:- 6 Tyre
Teacher(Gusse se): How?
Santa:- 4 Motor k 2 Cycle k!G.M.
College ke first day; Ladka: Tumhara naam kya hai? Ladki: Mujhe sab didi kehte hai.. Ladka: WOW MUJHE SAB JIJAJI KEHTE HAIN!
Teacher- Bataao bachcho jo galat kaam karte hain wo kaha jate hain??
Student- sharmate huye bola sir..
Manuabhaan tekri, EKAANT park, Chinar park, MAYUR park...
Hindi Jokes
Mareez:-doctor aap ye phoolo ki mala kyon laaye hain?
Doctor:-ye mera pahla operation hai,agar safal hua to mere liye nahin to tuhare kaam aaegi.
Maalik:-are raamu aaj tumne roti main kitna saare ghee laga diya..
Naukar:-are saahab maaf karna shayad galti se maine apni roti aapko de di hai,
Saahukaar:-tumne apne udhaar ke paise abhi tak nahin wapas kiye…
chalo mamla beech main suljha lete hai…
tumhare udhaar ka aadha paisa main bhoolne ke liye taiyaar hoon..
Karzdaar:-manzoor:-baaki aadha main bhoolne ko taiyaar hoon.
Ek ladka ek ladki ke saath baitha tha,
doosre din doosri ladki ke saath baitha tha,
teesre din teesri ladki ke saath baitha tha…
is kahani se shiksha milti hai:-ladkiyan badal jaati hain,ladke nahin.
Ek aadmi librarian se:-mujhe aatmhatya karni hai.kya aap mujhe aatmhatya per koi achchi book de sakte hain.
Librarian:-nahin bilkul nahin,mujhe pata hai aap mujhe wo wapas nahin denge.
Teacher:-bachcho kabhi sharab mat peena,jhooth mat bolna,kabhi nonveg mat khana,kabhi ladki ko mat chhedna.aur apne desh ke liye jaan de dena.
Ek bachcha:-de denge sir,sala aisi zindagi se to marna achcha hai.
Ek jagah sangeet ki mahfil chal rahi thi.ek gayak ne jaise hi gana gaya ,
sab bole , “once more”.gayak ne gana phir suna diya. Sab log phir se bole ,
“once more”.gayak nephir se ganae suna diya.abki baar phir sab bole ,
“once more”.gayak ne kaha,”mere pyare sunne walo,
main aapka mere liye pyaar samajhta hu,
per meri bhi kuch maryada hai,main itni baar nahin ga sakta.”
Tabhi mahfil main se ek aadmi bola,”jab tak tum thik se nahin gaaoge,
tumko gana padega.”
Mareez:-doctor aap ye phoolo ki mala kyon laaye hain?
Doctor:-ye mera pahla operation hai,agar safal hua to mere liye nahin to tuhare kaam aaegi.
Maalik:-are raamu aaj tumne roti main kitna saare ghee laga diya..
Naukar:-are saahab maaf karna shayad galti se maine apni roti aapko de di hai,
Saahukaar:-tumne apne udhaar ke paise abhi tak nahin wapas kiye…
chalo mamla beech main suljha lete hai…
tumhare udhaar ka aadha paisa main bhoolne ke liye taiyaar hoon..
Karzdaar:-manzoor:-baaki aadha main bhoolne ko taiyaar hoon.
Ek ladka ek ladki ke saath baitha tha,
doosre din doosri ladki ke saath baitha tha,
teesre din teesri ladki ke saath baitha tha…
is kahani se shiksha milti hai:-ladkiyan badal jaati hain,ladke nahin.
Ek aadmi librarian se:-mujhe aatmhatya karni hai.kya aap mujhe aatmhatya per koi achchi book de sakte hain.
Librarian:-nahin bilkul nahin,mujhe pata hai aap mujhe wo wapas nahin denge.
Teacher:-bachcho kabhi sharab mat peena,jhooth mat bolna,kabhi nonveg mat khana,kabhi ladki ko mat chhedna.aur apne desh ke liye jaan de dena.
Ek bachcha:-de denge sir,sala aisi zindagi se to marna achcha hai.
Ek jagah sangeet ki mahfil chal rahi thi.ek gayak ne jaise hi gana gaya ,
sab bole , “once more”.gayak ne gana phir suna diya. Sab log phir se bole ,
“once more”.gayak nephir se ganae suna diya.abki baar phir sab bole ,
“once more”.gayak ne kaha,”mere pyare sunne walo,
main aapka mere liye pyaar samajhta hu,
per meri bhi kuch maryada hai,main itni baar nahin ga sakta.”
Tabhi mahfil main se ek aadmi bola,”jab tak tum thik se nahin gaaoge,
tumko gana padega.”
Comedy Jokes in Hindi
teacher:-bahcho aaykar,bikrikar,bhoomikar se milta jolta koi aur shabd batao.
bachcha:-sir ek nahin teen shabd sune hain,sunil gawaskar,sachin tendulkar aur dilip vangaskar.
ek chhota bachcha doosre bachche se:-agar din ko suraj nahin nikala to kya hoga?
doosra bachcha:-bijli ka bill bad jaaega.
manager ne aanewale se poocha, "kya tumhe pata nahin ki aagya ke bina andar aana mana hai."
aane wala, "janab, main aagya lene ke liye hi andar aaya hoon."
adhyaapak:-bachcho batao ki doodh ko kharab hone se bachane ke liye kya karne chaahiye?
sonu:-ji sir use pi lena chahiye.
Ek aadmi:-kyon bachche yeh gend tumhari hai?
Bachcha:- uncle kya isse koi sheesha toota hai?
Aadmi:-nahin to..
bachcha:- haan to phir meri hai.
Naukraani:-malkin aap mujh per bekaar hi shak kar rahi hai,main aapko kaise samjhaau mujhe to shabd nahin mil rahe hai.
Malkin:- tujhe shabd nahin mil rahe hain,aur mujhe 1 thaali,5 katori aur 2 drzan chammach nahin mil rahi hai.
Ek padosan Ne Sunita Se Kaha:- are sunita gajab Ho Gaya.dekh to Pados Ki do Auraten teri Saas ki pitaai kar Rahi Hain.
Sunita padosan Ke Sath chat per Aayi Aur chhupkar pitaai Dekhane Lagi. padosan Ne Pucha, Aap Madad Karane Nahi Jayengi ?
Sunita - Nahi nahin do Hi bahot Hain
teacher:-bahcho aaykar,bikrikar,bhoomikar se milta jolta koi aur shabd batao.
bachcha:-sir ek nahin teen shabd sune hain,sunil gawaskar,sachin tendulkar aur dilip vangaskar.
ek chhota bachcha doosre bachche se:-agar din ko suraj nahin nikala to kya hoga?
doosra bachcha:-bijli ka bill bad jaaega.
manager ne aanewale se poocha, "kya tumhe pata nahin ki aagya ke bina andar aana mana hai."
aane wala, "janab, main aagya lene ke liye hi andar aaya hoon."
adhyaapak:-bachcho batao ki doodh ko kharab hone se bachane ke liye kya karne chaahiye?
sonu:-ji sir use pi lena chahiye.
Ek aadmi:-kyon bachche yeh gend tumhari hai?
Bachcha:- uncle kya isse koi sheesha toota hai?
Aadmi:-nahin to..
bachcha:- haan to phir meri hai.
Naukraani:-malkin aap mujh per bekaar hi shak kar rahi hai,main aapko kaise samjhaau mujhe to shabd nahin mil rahe hai.
Malkin:- tujhe shabd nahin mil rahe hain,aur mujhe 1 thaali,5 katori aur 2 drzan chammach nahin mil rahi hai.
Ek padosan Ne Sunita Se Kaha:- are sunita gajab Ho Gaya.dekh to Pados Ki do Auraten teri Saas ki pitaai kar Rahi Hain.
Sunita padosan Ke Sath chat per Aayi Aur chhupkar pitaai Dekhane Lagi. padosan Ne Pucha, Aap Madad Karane Nahi Jayengi ?
Sunita - Nahi nahin do Hi bahot Hain
Hilarious Hindi Jokes
Teacher:-batao baad aur sukhe main kya fark hai?
Mantra ka beta:- sir zamin aasmaan ka.
Teacher:-batao who kaise?
Mantra ka beta:- sir, sukhe main mere papa jeep se daura karte hain aur baad main helicopter main.
Ek aalsi se uske dost ne kaha:-suna hai tum faoj main bharti hone ja rahe ho.
Aalsi Dost:-are nahin,mujhe to ye bhi nahin pata ki badook ka muh kidhar karna hai?
Pehla dost:-koi baat nahin, kahin bhi rakhoge, desh ka bhala hi hoga.
Do abhinetao ke bachche aapas main baat kar rahe the.
Pahle bachcha:-pata hai,mere papa kal nai mummy laye hain ,wo bahot achchi hai.
Doosra bachcha:- pata hai pata hai, pichle saal who meri mummy reh chuki hain.
Pahli ladki:- maine faisla kiya hai jab tak main 25 saal ki nahin ho jaati main shaadi nahin karungi.
Doosri ladki:-aur maine faisla kiya hai jab tak main shaadi nahin kar leti 25 ki nahin houngi.
Traffic police:tumhara scooter itna uchhal kyon raha hai?
Scooter chaalak:-huzur, scooter nahin uchhal raha hai. Mujhe hichkiyaan aa rahi hain.
Judge:-pichi baar bhi tum 500 rupyee churaane ke ilzaam main pakde gaye the.
Chor:-huzur,500 rupyee s kitne din kaam chalaya ja sakta hai?
Student:-sir, kya aap mujhe us kaam ke liye bhi saza denge jo main nahin kiya hai?
Adhyapak:-nahin nahin,bilkul nahin.
Student:-sir, maine aaj ka homework nahin kiya hai.
Mareez:-doctor ,mujhe ek serious bimari hai,main jo kuch bhi bolta hoon bhool jata hoon.
Doctor:-aapko ye bimaari kab se hai?
Mareez:-kaun si bimaari?
Ek aurat:-jab tumhara talak hua tha tab to tumhara ek hi bachcha tha.ab 3 kaise?
Doosri:-who kabhi kabhi maafi mangne aa jate the.
Teacher:-batao baad aur sukhe main kya fark hai?
Mantra ka beta:- sir zamin aasmaan ka.
Teacher:-batao who kaise?
Mantra ka beta:- sir, sukhe main mere papa jeep se daura karte hain aur baad main helicopter main.
Ek aalsi se uske dost ne kaha:-suna hai tum faoj main bharti hone ja rahe ho.
Aalsi Dost:-are nahin,mujhe to ye bhi nahin pata ki badook ka muh kidhar karna hai?
Pehla dost:-koi baat nahin, kahin bhi rakhoge, desh ka bhala hi hoga.
Do abhinetao ke bachche aapas main baat kar rahe the.
Pahle bachcha:-pata hai,mere papa kal nai mummy laye hain ,wo bahot achchi hai.
Doosra bachcha:- pata hai pata hai, pichle saal who meri mummy reh chuki hain.
Pahli ladki:- maine faisla kiya hai jab tak main 25 saal ki nahin ho jaati main shaadi nahin karungi.
Doosri ladki:-aur maine faisla kiya hai jab tak main shaadi nahin kar leti 25 ki nahin houngi.
Traffic police:tumhara scooter itna uchhal kyon raha hai?
Scooter chaalak:-huzur, scooter nahin uchhal raha hai. Mujhe hichkiyaan aa rahi hain.
Judge:-pichi baar bhi tum 500 rupyee churaane ke ilzaam main pakde gaye the.
Chor:-huzur,500 rupyee s kitne din kaam chalaya ja sakta hai?
Student:-sir, kya aap mujhe us kaam ke liye bhi saza denge jo main nahin kiya hai?
Adhyapak:-nahin nahin,bilkul nahin.
Student:-sir, maine aaj ka homework nahin kiya hai.
Mareez:-doctor ,mujhe ek serious bimari hai,main jo kuch bhi bolta hoon bhool jata hoon.
Doctor:-aapko ye bimaari kab se hai?
Mareez:-kaun si bimaari?
Ek aurat:-jab tumhara talak hua tha tab to tumhara ek hi bachcha tha.ab 3 kaise?
Doosri:-who kabhi kabhi maafi mangne aa jate the.
Funny Comedy Jokes in Hindi
Wo konsa 1 mazak he Jo salo pehle b studnts karte the,
aaj b karte hai or qayamat tak karte rahenge
?
?
Bahut masti ho gayi yar
ab Kal Se Seriously Padai karnge
Ek Murgi Market Gayi aur..
Kaha- Ek Anda Dena..
Dukandar-Tum Anday Ka Kya Karogi??
Murgi- Mere Husband Ne Kaha 2Rs. Ke Liye Apna Figure Kharab Mat Karo.
Teacher-tum bde hoker kya karoge
Student-shadi..
Teacher-nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge
Student-dulha..
Teacher-oho,i mean bade hoker kya hasil karoge
student-dulhan!
1 dukhi Aadmi bola-Aisi zindagi se maut achi.
Achnak Yamdut aaya aur bola-"Tumhari jaan lene ka hukm h"
Aadmi-Lo Batao,
Ab Insan Mazak b nahi kar sakta.
PITA:AGAR TU IS BAAR BHI FAIL HO GAYA TO MUJHE PITA MAT KEHNA.
KUCH DIN BAD
PITA:KYA HUA TERE RESULT KA?
SON:SORRY YAAR RAM PRASAD MAI FAIL HO GAYA.
Wo konsa 1 mazak he Jo salo pehle b studnts karte the,
aaj b karte hai or qayamat tak karte rahenge
?
?
Bahut masti ho gayi yar
ab Kal Se Seriously Padai karnge
Ek Murgi Market Gayi aur..
Kaha- Ek Anda Dena..
Dukandar-Tum Anday Ka Kya Karogi??
Murgi- Mere Husband Ne Kaha 2Rs. Ke Liye Apna Figure Kharab Mat Karo.
Teacher-tum bde hoker kya karoge
Student-shadi..
Teacher-nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge
Student-dulha..
Teacher-oho,i mean bade hoker kya hasil karoge
student-dulhan!
1 dukhi Aadmi bola-Aisi zindagi se maut achi.
Achnak Yamdut aaya aur bola-"Tumhari jaan lene ka hukm h"
Aadmi-Lo Batao,
Ab Insan Mazak b nahi kar sakta.
PITA:AGAR TU IS BAAR BHI FAIL HO GAYA TO MUJHE PITA MAT KEHNA.
KUCH DIN BAD
PITA:KYA HUA TERE RESULT KA?
SON:SORRY YAAR RAM PRASAD MAI FAIL HO GAYA.
Hindi Funny Comedy Jokes
Bahut der k baad train chali.Muslim bola_ya Ali ! Hindu bola_ jai bajrang bali.Ek sardar bola_kya Ali,Kya Bali?Ullu k pattho, Train to baju wali Chali
1 shrabi roz SHIV mandir pe sir tekta tha.
1 din pujaari ne SHIV ke jagah GANESH murti rakhi,
Shraabi aya dekha bola- Chhotu papa se bolna main aya tha.
Premika: Aisa Letter Likh Sajna, Meri Umar Beet Jaye Padhne Me....
Premi:(!=!0!>XE~?1!!:E'&A?>#^^E"!$>,'>,'E=*?#:P(+>!*"@&= Le Padhle.....!
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
isme 1 missing hai
find it...
2 times padhte ho
sharam nahi aati ?
ABCD me 1 kaha aata hai?
Bahut der k baad train chali.Muslim bola_ya Ali ! Hindu bola_ jai bajrang bali.Ek sardar bola_kya Ali,Kya Bali?Ullu k pattho, Train to baju wali Chali
1 shrabi roz SHIV mandir pe sir tekta tha.
1 din pujaari ne SHIV ke jagah GANESH murti rakhi,
Shraabi aya dekha bola- Chhotu papa se bolna main aya tha.
Premika: Aisa Letter Likh Sajna, Meri Umar Beet Jaye Padhne Me....
Premi:(!=!0!>XE~?1!!:E'&A?>#^^E"!$>,'>,'E=*?#:P(+>!*"@&= Le Padhle.....!
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
isme 1 missing hai
find it...
2 times padhte ho
sharam nahi aati ?
ABCD me 1 kaha aata hai?
Hindi Comedy Jokes
Old : pehla pehla pyar hai, aayi bahar hai, aaja more sajan tera
Intazar hai.
New : Duja teja pyar hai, dil bekarar hai, aaja mere sajana verna
Chautha taiyaar hai…!
Boy- Bus,train or ladki ek jesi hoti hai,ek jati hai to dusri aa jati hai
Girl- Taxi, Autoriksha or ladke ek jaise hote hai, ek bulao 4 chale
Aate hai..!
Ladka ladki ko dekhne gaya,
unko baat krne k liye akele bitha diya
girl-(darte hue)bhaiya aap kitne bhai-behen ho
Boy-abhi tk to 3 the,ab 4 ho gye.
Old : pehla pehla pyar hai, aayi bahar hai, aaja more sajan tera
Intazar hai.
New : Duja teja pyar hai, dil bekarar hai, aaja mere sajana verna
Chautha taiyaar hai…!
Boy- Bus,train or ladki ek jesi hoti hai,ek jati hai to dusri aa jati hai
Girl- Taxi, Autoriksha or ladke ek jaise hote hai, ek bulao 4 chale
Aate hai..!
Ladka ladki ko dekhne gaya,
unko baat krne k liye akele bitha diya
girl-(darte hue)bhaiya aap kitne bhai-behen ho
Boy-abhi tk to 3 the,ab 4 ho gye.
Hindi Comedy Jokes
Ladka : jaaneman is dil me chali aao
Ladki : chapal nikali kya?
Ladka : pagli, ye koi mandir nahi hai, aise hi aa jao.
Chayewala – bholi si surat aankho me masti dur khadi sarmaye haye haye!!
Ladki- kali si surat hatho me ketli dur khade chilaye chaye-chaye
Babu apni girlfriend se- darling kal ghar par aa jana koi bhi nahi hoga!
Jab ladki ghar par aati hai to sachmuch koi nahi tha.
Ladka- kya me tumhara hath tham lu?
Ladki – No thanks ! ye itna bhari nahi he!!
Kutte………kaminey………..matlabi………….dhokebaaz……….
Ullu ke pathe………besharam……..baimaan……….kapti………
Aise logo se hamesha door rehna !!
Bilu MC ki hotal me- are bhai kab se wait kar raha hu,
Khana abhi tak nahi aaya?
Mc – sar khana to char din se bana rakha hai bas garam ho raha hai!!
Pitaji:- itne kam no. ? do thapad marne chahiye!
Tinku:- ha papa,chalo maine us mastarji ka ghar dekha hai!!
Teacher – bolo A for Apple ,
Student – A for apple,
Teacher – jor se bolo,
Student – jai mata dee!!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
He he he he he he he he he he he ……
Kuch nahi bas tumhari sakal yaad aa gayi….
Ha ha ha ha ha!!
Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?
A. jab koi ladki shaadi se pehle pregnant ho jaye, aur uski maa
Kahe “hey bhagwan ye tune kya kiya”.
Maine tujhe dekha…dekhta hi gaya…dekhta hi gaya…..
Aur fir…ek din mujhe…
….Chashma…lag gaya!!
Short Hindi Jokes Collection
Tin frnd ek hotel me khana khaya aur bil dene ki bad manager tin jonke bill hua 30 Rs. Aur us Se 5 Rs. Return dia.
Tin jan 3 Rs. Vag kar lia aur waiter ko 2 Rs. Dia
Tin logo ki kharach-27 Rs
Waiter -2
Total = 29 Rs.
Aur ek Rupee kah gaya?
Awami leageki protik Boat.
Titanic jaha dub gaya uha vi boat tha tao abar baitha nahi tha, ab samjhie keya risk
Hai!!
Tum jis jis acharan par kast pata ho, tum us tarah acharan kisiko sath nahi karna.
Chote:vaia kitne fish dhora apne pukur se?
Bada: ja maa se bol r ek dhorunga to 1 hoga.
Short and Funny Hindi Jokes
Ek kutta ko dekh kar aur ek kutta bola tumko us barime itne asse khana deti hai aur
Tum chale aye.
Tab dusri kutta ans dia “ek bon pe do sher nahi reh sakta”
Rohan ki parents ne usko ek boding pe rakh kar uski guard ko bola jara dekh ke rakhna
Vai?
Tension nehi lene ka, meine 10 saal chirikhana me kam kia is Bandar ko kayse tight dena
Hai mujhko ye ati hai.
Ek admi saadi ke bad, vaia aur saadi karo na..
Ek bibi ke jalwa me nahi bachna patahu aur saadi!!!
Police:tumara nam kaya hai?
Chor:joly
Police:thik se bolo?
Chor:joly:
Police: mere maa ki nam vi Joly hai iss lie meine tumko chodta hu.
Vul number dial karne se:
Ladka:I love you janu.
Ladki ki maa:oh, really.
Ladka: aaj rat a jao na,pls.
Us samay line kat gaya.
Ladki phone kia aur bola hi janu kayse ho?
Ladka: meine jo bat kia to kissee?
Ladki: Rickshwala se vaia apke jai Bangla dekha jata hai.
Rickshawala:samne sonar bangle vi dekha jata hai.
Ek budha lok ek shopping mall par lift ke samne khara raha aur dekhte raha
Us samay ek budhi lady utha,aur kuch der bad ek sundari ladki nich nam aya.
Ye dekh kar budha uski beta se kaha beta jaldi ja tere maa ko le a.
Note chapne ke lie ek machine pa kar police ne ek log ko arrest kia.
Judge ne usko bola:tumto oporadh kia,oporadhi ho.
Wo bola: ap ki pas vi to rape karne ke machine hay to ap vi to oporadhi hay.
Short Hindi Jokes Collection
Tin frnd ek hotel me khana khaya aur bil dene ki bad manager tin jonke bill hua 30 Rs. Aur us Se 5 Rs. Return dia.
Tin jan 3 Rs. Vag kar lia aur waiter ko 2 Rs. Dia
Tin logo ki kharach-27 Rs
Waiter -2
Total = 29 Rs.
Aur ek Rupee kah gaya?
Awami leageki protik Boat.
Titanic jaha dub gaya uha vi boat tha tao abar baitha nahi tha, ab samjhie keya risk
Hai!!
Tum jis jis acharan par kast pata ho, tum us tarah acharan kisiko sath nahi karna.
Chote:vaia kitne fish dhora apne pukur se?
Bada: ja maa se bol r ek dhorunga to 1 hoga.
Short Jokes in Hindi
Slogan do: ek hali joy,
sade tin hali jot.
Ek bahut kanjoos lok ek baccha ko chocolate anne ki patha hai
Bacha de aya..
Dokandar: tumko to ekdin vi woh kuch nahi dia, tum yuihi de aya?
Bacha: ji na mein chat ke de aya.
Kanjoos pappu vegetarian hay aur ek din sakh kar fish le aya woh vi pocha,
Ek admi: tum fish le aya?
Ha meine nilam ki fish le aya.
Tin log alap kar rahi hai ek interview mein kuch der ki bad sabko dak de gaya aur e bola gaya ki sob log ek ek jinis nijer pacha mein dhuka denge.
1st person: ek boroi ki bichi bohut kast karke dhuka dia, aur pass
2nd person: woh vi ek mango bahut kast karke dhuka dia, wovi pass,
Ab 2nd person has raha hai, wo dekh kar 1st person bola kiu has raha ho?
2nd person: dekho 3rd person kathal le a raha hay!!!
Circus me mama aur vagne gaya aur ek bahut mota lady ko dekha niche betha hai
Us samay hati khela ho raha hai
Vagne:mama hai konsi hai upar ki niche jo batha ho wo?
Hasar ki maydan par Allah bichar de raha hai
Jiski vagya mein jo fruit parega usne wo saal narak pe rahega
Barak Obama:ek mango paya,wo to khus.
Bill Clinton: ek jambura paya,wo vi khus.
Ab Barak Obama has raha hai tab Bill Clinton bola kiu has raha ho?
Dekho George Bush kathal le a raha hai!!!
Doctor ne ek admi ki wife ko dekh raha tha
Us samay uski land khara hua aur wo us lady ko rape kia
Addmi:doctor key dekha?
Doctor: mar(rog) dia
Addmi: doctor mere wife ko mara ab mere bari hai!!!
Do pandit jhagra kar rahi hai, kaun bada ye lie
Ek admi ko dak kar bola kaun bada?
Pandit:bolo kaun bada?
Admi:mein nahi janta.
Pandit:kiun?
Admi:mein balu wo bada or ap mujhe marne lagoge yeh nahi hoga.
Energy drink ke ads dene wale arab mein subidha nahi kar paya kiun ki arab ki logo ne
Dan dik se padna suru karta hai.
Tubewell chap dile jal parta hai,
chockh tiple keya parta hai?
-chapa ki dant.
Short Hindi Jokes
Ek log khan ke waqt uski plate ki sab dike mayel fel raha hay,yeh dekh kar
Ek budha ask kara: kea kar raha ho?
Admi: yeh modern khana hay.
Dudha admi: tum keya modern ho! Mere balad goruta aur vi modern hay….
Two storied building me do log bat kar raha tha
1st person: o-o vai yeh address kis tarah? us admi chup raha. o-o vai kuch to bolo? Bolna hay to bolo,na bolo to bolo mere gorvi nahi janta.
Dur se ye sun kar ek log bola tum uski prasno ki ans nahi dia kiu?
2nd person: ha..ha. mein ans dia aur woh mere sath jhagarte rahe.
Alu ke kheto mein
Kishan: aage iss mitti par alu hota tha
Aadmi: aage uski mitti chul ki tarah tha aur ab iha ghas hota hay.
Kishan: iss lie aage kechi lagta tha ab kodal lag raha hai.
School ki exam mein result hone ke bad
Sabne khoj raha hai first,second,3rd kaun hua hai..
Ek student: 1st.2nd nahi bolna parunga magar jo 3rd hua woh guddi ur raha hai.
Army ti training camp par
Medical test ki samay ek army ek ladke ko kaha uski pich tarah ja kar
Keya tum cigarette pite ho?
Sir keya mere piche se dhoa ber hota hai?
Ek bahut bada rich admi ek sava par gaya aur uha ek mantra aya relief dene ke lie
Rich admi: sir,garib se jara dekho, mein khub garib hu, mujhko kuch do…
Bolo bir bolo unnata momo shir
Shir ne tehari die banaya khai khir.
Ek janashova mein ek neta bol rahi hai
Bolo jati ki neta kaun hai?
Ek admi: joy.
Smart Son Joke
Dad: What would you like to be when you grow up son?
Son: I want to be a garbage collector Dad.
Dad: What?! A garbage collector of all professions? Why?!
Son: Because I have seen them work only once a week.
Kid and Doctor
Kid: Doctor, a German shepherd bit my finger.
Doctor: Which one?
Kid: The one owned by Mr. James next door.
Doctor and the nickel
Man: Doctor, my son swallowed a nickel!
Doctor: Don't worry; I will give you a dollar.
The hilarious kids joke
Son: Mom, my friends in school tease me and call me a girl.
Mom: Don't worry, next time somebody calls you like that, hit them with your handbag and scratch their face.
Home sick
Son: Mom, I am home sick.
Mom: But you are in home now.
Son: I am sick of my home.
Bunking school
Son prays to God: God, I have exams tomorrow and haven't studied. Can I have measles?
Mom: Don’t be silly son, God doesn't make rash promises.
Dad and Son
A 25 year old man went and asked his dad: Dad, give me ten dollars.
Dad: Son, don't you think you are a bit old asking your dad for ten dollars?
Son: Very well, give me hundred dollars then.
Give and Take Policy
Dad: Son, you must learn to give and take.
Son: Sure dad, yesterday I gave my friend a punch and took his pencil.
A career
“Billy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A soldier!”
“But you might get injured by enemies!”
“Then I want to become an enemy!”
Kids Jokes Collection
“Billy, at your birthday party you’ll have a cake with 5 candles!”
“I know mommy, but I want 5 cakes with a candle”
Billy asks his father:
“Daddy, what’s an actor?”
“Well son, an actor is a guy who goes on stage, looks out a window and says [[What a wonderful view]]”
“Just like a president?”
“Dad, were you the one who told me they once kicked you out of the school?”
“Yes Billy, why?”
“I think it’s hereditary”
Billy sees for the first time in his life a rainbow.
“Look mom, what a wonderful AD”
Johnny goes with his father at a horse race.
“Daddy, will all these horses win prizes at the end?”
“Only the first one to finish, son”
“Then why are the others still running?”
Children's Jokes
Daughter to dad: Dad, what is called as a sea level?
Dad: Why do you want to know it?
Daughter: Well, my grades went below C-Level.
Dad: How did you do your exam today son?
Son: There were totally ten questions asked. I did well but couldn't answer the first four and the last six.
Dad: Your school teacher called me up and complained a lot about you. What have you been doing son?
Son: Me, nothing dad!
Dad: Exactly!
To the dentist
“If your tooth hurts that bad we must rush to the dentist, my son! I hope you are not afraid!”
“No, dad, I’m fine!”
“That’s the spirit! Nothing is going to happen to you!”
“Then what’s the point of going at all?”
The swimming pool
”Mommy, mommy, am I allowed to swim in that deep pool over there?”
“No honey, you are not! The water is very deep and it is too dangerous!”
“Then how come daddy is allowed?”
“Daddy’s got insurance!”
The Vampire
Billy comes back from school one day crying:
“Mommy, kids at school are making fun of me, they’re saying I’m a vampire.”
“Don’t worry Billy, they are just being kids! Now go eat before your soup coagulates”
From Kids Mouth
“Mommy give me a chocolate, please”
“No, It’s before dinner Billy!”
“If you don’t give me a chocolate, I’ll tell the dog where you hid the meat!”
“I learnt at school that water is tasteless, but that’s not true!”
“How come Billy?”, said his mother
“I poured water in daddy’s beer can, and he noticed it right away!”
“What wouldn’t I give for Paris to be Italy’s capital...”, says Billy very sad.
“Why son?” , asks his father
“Because that’s what I wrote today at an English exam.”
“This 100$ bill is a counterfeit, you can’t buy anything with it kid!”
“Who said I wanted to buy anything? My daddy sent me to exchange it”
From Kids Mouth
“John that’s enough!!! You already ate 5 pieces of pie!”
“Mom, if I don’t exercise how do you expect me to learn the table manners?”
“Mom, today I saved the Math teacher from a colleague’s prank”
“Very nice of you sweetheart, what did you do?”
“He put a nail on his chair, and when the Math teacher was about to sit down, I pulled the chair from under him!”
“Mommy bring me another chocolate, please!”
“You’ve had 6 today it’s enough!”
“Please mom, only 1 more!”
“Go to sleep tomorrow you have to go to school! If I hear 1 more sound I’m coming to ground you”
“And will you bring me a chocolate when you come?”
“Why are you eating the chocolates so fast Billy? Did you forget about your sister?”
“I didn't forget, why do you think I’m eating so fast...?
A mother wanting her kid to stop behaving badly says:
“Jimmy, If you won’t start behaving, I’ll change you with a good child!”
“You can’t!”
“Why not?”
“Who would be stupid enough to change a good child with a bad one?”
Silly Billy
Billy gets home from school one day:
“Daddy, the teacher gave me a D today!”
“Somebody will get grounded mister!”
“Let me write you down her address!”
Dad's visual memory
“Dad, do you have a perfect visual memory?”
“Yes son, pretty much. Why do you ask?”
“I just broke your shaving mirror!”
Father and Son
A father asks his son:
Did you like the Kinder egg I gave you yesterday?
The chocolate was very good, but the shell was a bit hard.
LOL
“Did you know your son threw a rock at me?”
“Oh, dear? My son? Are you sure? And did he hit you?”
“Fortunately, no!”
“The is wasn’t my son!”
Granny in Noah's Arc
“Grandmother, were you on Noah’s Arch during the flood?”
“No.”
“Then how come you didn’t drown too?”
Eggs and Gasoline
A kid to her mother:
“Mommy, do chickens drink gasoline?”
“No son, why?”
“Then why does the price per egg rise every time the gasoline price rises?”
Gost Jokes
What do you call a ghost of someone who was a door to door salesperson?
A dead ringer
What is a ghosts favourite dessert?
Ice scream
Why is it that so few ghosts get arrested?
Because you can't pin anything on them.
Question : Where are baby ghosts under 5 years old sent during the day?
Answer : Dayscare centres.
What ride do ghosts favour at the funfair?
The roller ghoster, of course.
What would you call a ghost's father and mother?
Transparents.
Why are ghosts not good at telling a lie?
You can see straight through them.
Which weekday is a favourite with ghosts?
Frightday.
Hilarious
A man was walking at mid-night on the road adjacent to the graveyard. It was very dark. He was looking left and right and one could say that he was very nervous. He saw another man walking a little ahead of him and increased his pace so that he could catch up with him for company till he crosses the graveyard.
He said to him, "It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here."
The other man replied, "I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven't seen one yet."
Ghosts in the Cemetry
Two kids collected some hickory nuts from the forest and sat down in the cemetry on the way back home to divide them equally. A youth who happned to pass by outside the cemetry wall heard them speaking got terrified.
He saw an old man coming by, stopped him and said: "Don't go near the cemetry. Two ghosts are dividing the souls among themselves".
The old man didn't beleive this. The youth said, "Come and listen". Just then two of the nuts rolled down and went under the fence and outside the cemetry. One of the kids said, "We are finished except for the two nuts outside the fence. Let us divide them and we will be even".
The old man beat the youth back to the town.
Haircut
A ghost went to the barber for a haircut. The barber said, "I am very busy now. Come back after a few hours".
The ghost said, "Ok. I am leaving my head here. Will collect it once you are dont cutting the hair".
Laugh Aloud
Why was the skeleton looking very sad in the party?
Because he had no body to dance with.
Why don't people like Count Dracula?
Because he is a pain in the neck.
Why is it safe to trust a Mummy with secrets?
Because they keep everything under wraps.
What happened to the air hostess who died in the flight?
She became an air ghostess!
What do invisible ghosts which pass through walls say to each other?
It is nice not seeing you!
Two Line
A couple of ghosts were playing cards on a windy night. Another ghost opened the door to join the game. The strong wind blew away all the cards. One of the ghosts scolded the ghost who entered:
"For goodness sake, why don't you come in through the keyhole like everyone else."
Two men were walking outside a graveyard in Germany when they heard strange musical notes coming from one of the graves. Teeth chattering, one of the men asked the other, "What the heck is that sound?"
The other man said: "Oh, that must be Beethoven's grave. He is decomposing"
Son: Mom, please tell me another story about the haunted house.
Mom: I can't son, it is a one storey building you see.
A ghost decided to frighten the man who just moved in to the house. During the night the ghost went up to him and said,
"Do you know I have been living here for the past 500 years?"
The man said, "Oh, very well then. Can you please let me know the way to the toilet?"
A man who was travelling to the next village was caught in a storm and looked for a shelter. He came across an eerie looking bungalow and knocked. An old man who looked pale, yellow and eerie opened the door and took him in. He said, "This is your bedroom for the night. If you need something just scream."
Son: Mom, everone in school is teasing me calling me a werewolf.
Mom: Don't bother about them son. Now sit down still so that I can comb your face.
Vampire 1: Today I saw a poor old beggar who said that he hadn't had a bite for more than three days.
Vampire 2: So what did you do then?
Vampire 1: I bit him.
Yo mamma’s so fat, when she goes to take a swim the whales join her singing “We are family!”
Yo mamma’s so fat, when people forget her name they shout “Two and a half men”
Yo Momma’s so fat, you need to help her open her eyelids.
Yo Momma’s so fat, when she seen her feet in the mirror she asked who was down there.
Yo Momma’s so ugly, that when the zombies attacked they asked her to be their leader.
Yo momma’s so poor when she picked up a can from the garbage truck she told you you’ve got a new home.
Yo Momma is so fat, she was blocking the sun when God said “Let there be light”
Yo Momma is so stupid, she missed the ground when she threw a rock at it.
Yo Momma i so dumb, she went to the police to complain a stationary car hit her.
Yoga Teacher-Has yoga any effect over your husbands drinking habit?
Women-Yes, now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
Doctor: Your wife's operation will cost a lot. Are you sure you want me to go ahead?
Husband: Whether you cure her or kill her, you will sure get your money.
The wife died after the operation.
Doctor: I am sorry this happened but you will have to pay me for the operation.
Husband: Did you cure my wife?
Doctor: No
Husband: Did you kill my wife?
Doctor: No, not at all.
Husband: Well then, why should I pay you then?
Before marriage a man should think twice before speaking something.
After marriage a man should think twice before speaking nothing.
An elderly couple in a hotel reception desk: "Can you please give us a single bed room?"
Receptionist: "Sorry sir, we have only a double bed room free"
Wife: "Well then, please place the beds together."
Everyone smiled at their affection.
The Wife continued: "So that I can punch him if he starts snoring".
Funny Marriage Jokes
Man 1: I can either marry a filthy rich, old, ugly looking widow who will leave me a fortune or a beautiful, pretty but penniless girl whom I have to support for life. What do you suggest will be the best option for me?
Man 2: Follow your heart and you will live happily ever after.
Man 1: Hmm, okay, I will do that. Now where did I keep the widow's address?
A wife gave her husband a wooden box and asked him to open it after she dies. After thirty years, she died and her husband opened the wooden box. There were three pens and twenty thousand dollars along with a note. The husband read the note:
"Dear, I am sorry. Every time I cheated on you, I bought a pen and kept it inside this wooden box"
The husband was moved and thought, "Not as bad as me. Just three times in these thirty years".
Then he read the postscript on the note: "And every time I got a dozen pens, I sold them and kept the money in the box".
A wife was shouting angrily at her husband, "If my father hadn't given his money for our marriage, we wouldn't have got this LCD TV, car or even the luxury furniture".
Her husband replied, "Well, if your father hadn't given the money, I wouldn't be here".
We are the ideal husband and wife. My wife does not trust me and I don't understand her.
Lady 1: If you don't like your husband why don't you just leave him and go.
Lady 2: Well, I don't like doing anything that will make him happy.
Hilarious Marriage Jokes
How to live longer?
Just get married; every hour of listening to your wife will seem like eternity.
The groom's uncle said, "Good luck young man. A few years down the line you will look back on today and think that it was the happiest day of your life".
Groom: Uncle, did you mean tomorrow? I am getting married only tomorrow.
Uncle: I know that.
Advice to a young man getting married:
First ten years, it will be tri-weekly.
Next ten years, it will be try weekly.
The next twenty years, it will be try weakly!
Husband and Wife
Wife: Didn't you marry me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Absolutely not dear. I would have married you regardless of who left you a fortune.
Wife: You never tell good words about my relatives but keep praising your relatives.
Husband: ok, I agree that your in-laws are better than my in-laws.
Husband and Wife were not talking to each other and only left notes.
Husband pinned a note to the bed: I have to leave early to office tomorrow. Wake me up at 6.
The husband woke up at 7 the next day and found his wife's note: its 6 o'clock. Wake up.
Friend 1: How is your headache John?
Friend 2: It's out shopping now.
Funny Husbad and Wife Marriage Jokes
Lady 1: I think that my husband is cheating on me.
Lady 2: How did you conclude that?
Lady 1: Yesterday he said that he was with John last night for a party. But I was with John last night.
Man 1: I want to marry a girl who is smart, knows to cook, looks beautiful and will care for me.
Man 2: Well then, make up your mind which one of these three you want to marry.
Wife to husband: What a coincidence! You forgot to wish me on my birthday and I forgot how to cook!
There are three kinds of wives:
The beautiful, the caring and the majority.
Lady 1: My husband is known for his rare gifts.
Lady 2: Wow that is so good of him.
Lady 1: Well, I haven't received one in years.
Law of 2nd Marrige
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A:Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
Joke Yoga
Yoga Teacher-Has yoga any effect over your husbands drinking habit?
Women-Yes, now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
Ladka : jaaneman is dil me chali aao
Ladki : chapal nikali kya?
Ladka : pagli, ye koi mandir nahi hai, aise hi aa jao.
Chayewala – bholi si surat aankho me masti dur khadi sarmaye haye haye!!
Ladki- kali si surat hatho me ketli dur khade chilaye chaye-chaye
Babu apni girlfriend se- darling kal ghar par aa jana koi bhi nahi hoga!
Jab ladki ghar par aati hai to sachmuch koi nahi tha.
Ladka- kya me tumhara hath tham lu?
Ladki – No thanks ! ye itna bhari nahi he!!
Kutte………kaminey………..matlabi………….dhokebaaz……….
Ullu ke pathe………besharam……..baimaan……….kapti………
Aise logo se hamesha door rehna !!
Bilu MC ki hotal me- are bhai kab se wait kar raha hu,
Khana abhi tak nahi aaya?
Mc – sar khana to char din se bana rakha hai bas garam ho raha hai!!
Pitaji:- itne kam no. ? do thapad marne chahiye!
Tinku:- ha papa,chalo maine us mastarji ka ghar dekha hai!!
Teacher – bolo A for Apple ,
Student – A for apple,
Teacher – jor se bolo,
Student – jai mata dee!!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
He he he he he he he he he he he ……
Kuch nahi bas tumhari sakal yaad aa gayi….
Ha ha ha ha ha!!
Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?
A. jab koi ladki shaadi se pehle pregnant ho jaye, aur uski maa
Kahe “hey bhagwan ye tune kya kiya”.
Maine tujhe dekha…dekhta hi gaya…dekhta hi gaya…..
Aur fir…ek din mujhe…
….Chashma…lag gaya!!
Short Hindi Jokes Collection
Tin frnd ek hotel me khana khaya aur bil dene ki bad manager tin jonke bill hua 30 Rs. Aur us Se 5 Rs. Return dia.
Tin jan 3 Rs. Vag kar lia aur waiter ko 2 Rs. Dia
Tin logo ki kharach-27 Rs
Waiter -2
Total = 29 Rs.
Aur ek Rupee kah gaya?
Awami leageki protik Boat.
Titanic jaha dub gaya uha vi boat tha tao abar baitha nahi tha, ab samjhie keya risk
Hai!!
Tum jis jis acharan par kast pata ho, tum us tarah acharan kisiko sath nahi karna.
Chote:vaia kitne fish dhora apne pukur se?
Bada: ja maa se bol r ek dhorunga to 1 hoga.
Short and Funny Hindi Jokes
Ek kutta ko dekh kar aur ek kutta bola tumko us barime itne asse khana deti hai aur
Tum chale aye.
Tab dusri kutta ans dia “ek bon pe do sher nahi reh sakta”
Rohan ki parents ne usko ek boding pe rakh kar uski guard ko bola jara dekh ke rakhna
Vai?
Tension nehi lene ka, meine 10 saal chirikhana me kam kia is Bandar ko kayse tight dena
Hai mujhko ye ati hai.
Ek admi saadi ke bad, vaia aur saadi karo na..
Ek bibi ke jalwa me nahi bachna patahu aur saadi!!!
Police:tumara nam kaya hai?
Chor:joly
Police:thik se bolo?
Chor:joly:
Police: mere maa ki nam vi Joly hai iss lie meine tumko chodta hu.
Vul number dial karne se:
Ladka:I love you janu.
Ladki ki maa:oh, really.
Ladka: aaj rat a jao na,pls.
Us samay line kat gaya.
Ladki phone kia aur bola hi janu kayse ho?
Ladka: meine jo bat kia to kissee?
Ladki: Rickshwala se vaia apke jai Bangla dekha jata hai.
Rickshawala:samne sonar bangle vi dekha jata hai.
Ek budha lok ek shopping mall par lift ke samne khara raha aur dekhte raha
Us samay ek budhi lady utha,aur kuch der bad ek sundari ladki nich nam aya.
Ye dekh kar budha uski beta se kaha beta jaldi ja tere maa ko le a.
Note chapne ke lie ek machine pa kar police ne ek log ko arrest kia.
Judge ne usko bola:tumto oporadh kia,oporadhi ho.
Wo bola: ap ki pas vi to rape karne ke machine hay to ap vi to oporadhi hay.
Short Hindi Jokes Collection
Tin frnd ek hotel me khana khaya aur bil dene ki bad manager tin jonke bill hua 30 Rs. Aur us Se 5 Rs. Return dia.
Tin jan 3 Rs. Vag kar lia aur waiter ko 2 Rs. Dia
Tin logo ki kharach-27 Rs
Waiter -2
Total = 29 Rs.
Aur ek Rupee kah gaya?
Awami leageki protik Boat.
Titanic jaha dub gaya uha vi boat tha tao abar baitha nahi tha, ab samjhie keya risk
Hai!!
Tum jis jis acharan par kast pata ho, tum us tarah acharan kisiko sath nahi karna.
Chote:vaia kitne fish dhora apne pukur se?
Bada: ja maa se bol r ek dhorunga to 1 hoga.
Short Jokes in Hindi
Slogan do: ek hali joy,
sade tin hali jot.
Ek bahut kanjoos lok ek baccha ko chocolate anne ki patha hai
Bacha de aya..
Dokandar: tumko to ekdin vi woh kuch nahi dia, tum yuihi de aya?
Bacha: ji na mein chat ke de aya.
Kanjoos pappu vegetarian hay aur ek din sakh kar fish le aya woh vi pocha,
Ek admi: tum fish le aya?
Ha meine nilam ki fish le aya.
Tin log alap kar rahi hai ek interview mein kuch der ki bad sabko dak de gaya aur e bola gaya ki sob log ek ek jinis nijer pacha mein dhuka denge.
1st person: ek boroi ki bichi bohut kast karke dhuka dia, aur pass
2nd person: woh vi ek mango bahut kast karke dhuka dia, wovi pass,
Ab 2nd person has raha hai, wo dekh kar 1st person bola kiu has raha ho?
2nd person: dekho 3rd person kathal le a raha hay!!!
Circus me mama aur vagne gaya aur ek bahut mota lady ko dekha niche betha hai
Us samay hati khela ho raha hai
Vagne:mama hai konsi hai upar ki niche jo batha ho wo?
Hasar ki maydan par Allah bichar de raha hai
Jiski vagya mein jo fruit parega usne wo saal narak pe rahega
Barak Obama:ek mango paya,wo to khus.
Bill Clinton: ek jambura paya,wo vi khus.
Ab Barak Obama has raha hai tab Bill Clinton bola kiu has raha ho?
Dekho George Bush kathal le a raha hai!!!
Doctor ne ek admi ki wife ko dekh raha tha
Us samay uski land khara hua aur wo us lady ko rape kia
Addmi:doctor key dekha?
Doctor: mar(rog) dia
Addmi: doctor mere wife ko mara ab mere bari hai!!!
Do pandit jhagra kar rahi hai, kaun bada ye lie
Ek admi ko dak kar bola kaun bada?
Pandit:bolo kaun bada?
Admi:mein nahi janta.
Pandit:kiun?
Admi:mein balu wo bada or ap mujhe marne lagoge yeh nahi hoga.
Energy drink ke ads dene wale arab mein subidha nahi kar paya kiun ki arab ki logo ne
Dan dik se padna suru karta hai.
Tubewell chap dile jal parta hai,
chockh tiple keya parta hai?
-chapa ki dant.
Short Hindi Jokes
Ek log khan ke waqt uski plate ki sab dike mayel fel raha hay,yeh dekh kar
Ek budha ask kara: kea kar raha ho?
Admi: yeh modern khana hay.
Dudha admi: tum keya modern ho! Mere balad goruta aur vi modern hay….
Two storied building me do log bat kar raha tha
1st person: o-o vai yeh address kis tarah? us admi chup raha. o-o vai kuch to bolo? Bolna hay to bolo,na bolo to bolo mere gorvi nahi janta.
Dur se ye sun kar ek log bola tum uski prasno ki ans nahi dia kiu?
2nd person: ha..ha. mein ans dia aur woh mere sath jhagarte rahe.
Alu ke kheto mein
Kishan: aage iss mitti par alu hota tha
Aadmi: aage uski mitti chul ki tarah tha aur ab iha ghas hota hay.
Kishan: iss lie aage kechi lagta tha ab kodal lag raha hai.
School ki exam mein result hone ke bad
Sabne khoj raha hai first,second,3rd kaun hua hai..
Ek student: 1st.2nd nahi bolna parunga magar jo 3rd hua woh guddi ur raha hai.
Army ti training camp par
Medical test ki samay ek army ek ladke ko kaha uski pich tarah ja kar
Keya tum cigarette pite ho?
Sir keya mere piche se dhoa ber hota hai?
Ek bahut bada rich admi ek sava par gaya aur uha ek mantra aya relief dene ke lie
Rich admi: sir,garib se jara dekho, mein khub garib hu, mujhko kuch do…
Bolo bir bolo unnata momo shir
Shir ne tehari die banaya khai khir.
Ek janashova mein ek neta bol rahi hai
Bolo jati ki neta kaun hai?
Ek admi: joy.
Kids Jokes
Smart Son Joke
Dad: What would you like to be when you grow up son?
Son: I want to be a garbage collector Dad.
Dad: What?! A garbage collector of all professions? Why?!
Son: Because I have seen them work only once a week.
Kid and Doctor
Kid: Doctor, a German shepherd bit my finger.
Doctor: Which one?
Kid: The one owned by Mr. James next door.
Doctor and the nickel
Man: Doctor, my son swallowed a nickel!
Doctor: Don't worry; I will give you a dollar.
The hilarious kids joke
Son: Mom, my friends in school tease me and call me a girl.
Mom: Don't worry, next time somebody calls you like that, hit them with your handbag and scratch their face.
Home sick
Son: Mom, I am home sick.
Mom: But you are in home now.
Son: I am sick of my home.
Bunking school
Son prays to God: God, I have exams tomorrow and haven't studied. Can I have measles?
Mom: Don’t be silly son, God doesn't make rash promises.
Dad and Son
A 25 year old man went and asked his dad: Dad, give me ten dollars.
Dad: Son, don't you think you are a bit old asking your dad for ten dollars?
Son: Very well, give me hundred dollars then.
Give and Take Policy
Dad: Son, you must learn to give and take.
Son: Sure dad, yesterday I gave my friend a punch and took his pencil.
A career
“Billy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A soldier!”
“But you might get injured by enemies!”
“Then I want to become an enemy!”
Kids Jokes Collection
“Billy, at your birthday party you’ll have a cake with 5 candles!”
“I know mommy, but I want 5 cakes with a candle”
Billy asks his father:
“Daddy, what’s an actor?”
“Well son, an actor is a guy who goes on stage, looks out a window and says [[What a wonderful view]]”
“Just like a president?”
“Dad, were you the one who told me they once kicked you out of the school?”
“Yes Billy, why?”
“I think it’s hereditary”
Billy sees for the first time in his life a rainbow.
“Look mom, what a wonderful AD”
Johnny goes with his father at a horse race.
“Daddy, will all these horses win prizes at the end?”
“Only the first one to finish, son”
“Then why are the others still running?”
Children's Jokes
Daughter to dad: Dad, what is called as a sea level?
Dad: Why do you want to know it?
Daughter: Well, my grades went below C-Level.
Dad: How did you do your exam today son?
Son: There were totally ten questions asked. I did well but couldn't answer the first four and the last six.
Dad: Your school teacher called me up and complained a lot about you. What have you been doing son?
Son: Me, nothing dad!
Dad: Exactly!
To the dentist
“If your tooth hurts that bad we must rush to the dentist, my son! I hope you are not afraid!”
“No, dad, I’m fine!”
“That’s the spirit! Nothing is going to happen to you!”
“Then what’s the point of going at all?”
The swimming pool
”Mommy, mommy, am I allowed to swim in that deep pool over there?”
“No honey, you are not! The water is very deep and it is too dangerous!”
“Then how come daddy is allowed?”
“Daddy’s got insurance!”
The Vampire
Billy comes back from school one day crying:
“Mommy, kids at school are making fun of me, they’re saying I’m a vampire.”
“Don’t worry Billy, they are just being kids! Now go eat before your soup coagulates”
From Kids Mouth
“Mommy give me a chocolate, please”
“No, It’s before dinner Billy!”
“If you don’t give me a chocolate, I’ll tell the dog where you hid the meat!”
“I learnt at school that water is tasteless, but that’s not true!”
“How come Billy?”, said his mother
“I poured water in daddy’s beer can, and he noticed it right away!”
“What wouldn’t I give for Paris to be Italy’s capital...”, says Billy very sad.
“Why son?” , asks his father
“Because that’s what I wrote today at an English exam.”
“This 100$ bill is a counterfeit, you can’t buy anything with it kid!”
“Who said I wanted to buy anything? My daddy sent me to exchange it”
From Kids Mouth
“John that’s enough!!! You already ate 5 pieces of pie!”
“Mom, if I don’t exercise how do you expect me to learn the table manners?”
“Mom, today I saved the Math teacher from a colleague’s prank”
“Very nice of you sweetheart, what did you do?”
“He put a nail on his chair, and when the Math teacher was about to sit down, I pulled the chair from under him!”
“Mommy bring me another chocolate, please!”
“You’ve had 6 today it’s enough!”
“Please mom, only 1 more!”
“Go to sleep tomorrow you have to go to school! If I hear 1 more sound I’m coming to ground you”
“And will you bring me a chocolate when you come?”
“Why are you eating the chocolates so fast Billy? Did you forget about your sister?”
“I didn't forget, why do you think I’m eating so fast...?
A mother wanting her kid to stop behaving badly says:
“Jimmy, If you won’t start behaving, I’ll change you with a good child!”
“You can’t!”
“Why not?”
“Who would be stupid enough to change a good child with a bad one?”
Silly Billy
Billy gets home from school one day:
“Daddy, the teacher gave me a D today!”
“Somebody will get grounded mister!”
“Let me write you down her address!”
Dad's visual memory
“Dad, do you have a perfect visual memory?”
“Yes son, pretty much. Why do you ask?”
“I just broke your shaving mirror!”
Father and Son
A father asks his son:
Did you like the Kinder egg I gave you yesterday?
The chocolate was very good, but the shell was a bit hard.
LOL
“Did you know your son threw a rock at me?”
“Oh, dear? My son? Are you sure? And did he hit you?”
“Fortunately, no!”
“The is wasn’t my son!”
Granny in Noah's Arc
“Grandmother, were you on Noah’s Arch during the flood?”
“No.”
“Then how come you didn’t drown too?”
Eggs and Gasoline
A kid to her mother:
“Mommy, do chickens drink gasoline?”
“No son, why?”
“Then why does the price per egg rise every time the gasoline price rises?”
Ghost Jokes
Gost Jokes
What do you call a ghost of someone who was a door to door salesperson?
A dead ringer
What is a ghosts favourite dessert?
Ice scream
Why is it that so few ghosts get arrested?
Because you can't pin anything on them.
Question : Where are baby ghosts under 5 years old sent during the day?
Answer : Dayscare centres.
What ride do ghosts favour at the funfair?
The roller ghoster, of course.
What would you call a ghost's father and mother?
Transparents.
Why are ghosts not good at telling a lie?
You can see straight through them.
Which weekday is a favourite with ghosts?
Frightday.
Hilarious
A man was walking at mid-night on the road adjacent to the graveyard. It was very dark. He was looking left and right and one could say that he was very nervous. He saw another man walking a little ahead of him and increased his pace so that he could catch up with him for company till he crosses the graveyard.
He said to him, "It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here."
The other man replied, "I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven't seen one yet."
Ghosts in the Cemetry
Two kids collected some hickory nuts from the forest and sat down in the cemetry on the way back home to divide them equally. A youth who happned to pass by outside the cemetry wall heard them speaking got terrified.
He saw an old man coming by, stopped him and said: "Don't go near the cemetry. Two ghosts are dividing the souls among themselves".
The old man didn't beleive this. The youth said, "Come and listen". Just then two of the nuts rolled down and went under the fence and outside the cemetry. One of the kids said, "We are finished except for the two nuts outside the fence. Let us divide them and we will be even".
The old man beat the youth back to the town.
Haircut
A ghost went to the barber for a haircut. The barber said, "I am very busy now. Come back after a few hours".
The ghost said, "Ok. I am leaving my head here. Will collect it once you are dont cutting the hair".
Laugh Aloud
Why was the skeleton looking very sad in the party?
Because he had no body to dance with.
Why don't people like Count Dracula?
Because he is a pain in the neck.
Why is it safe to trust a Mummy with secrets?
Because they keep everything under wraps.
What happened to the air hostess who died in the flight?
She became an air ghostess!
What do invisible ghosts which pass through walls say to each other?
It is nice not seeing you!
Two Line
A couple of ghosts were playing cards on a windy night. Another ghost opened the door to join the game. The strong wind blew away all the cards. One of the ghosts scolded the ghost who entered:
"For goodness sake, why don't you come in through the keyhole like everyone else."
Two men were walking outside a graveyard in Germany when they heard strange musical notes coming from one of the graves. Teeth chattering, one of the men asked the other, "What the heck is that sound?"
The other man said: "Oh, that must be Beethoven's grave. He is decomposing"
Son: Mom, please tell me another story about the haunted house.
Mom: I can't son, it is a one storey building you see.
A ghost decided to frighten the man who just moved in to the house. During the night the ghost went up to him and said,
"Do you know I have been living here for the past 500 years?"
The man said, "Oh, very well then. Can you please let me know the way to the toilet?"
A man who was travelling to the next village was caught in a storm and looked for a shelter. He came across an eerie looking bungalow and knocked. An old man who looked pale, yellow and eerie opened the door and took him in. He said, "This is your bedroom for the night. If you need something just scream."
Son: Mom, everone in school is teasing me calling me a werewolf.
Mom: Don't bother about them son. Now sit down still so that I can comb your face.
Vampire 1: Today I saw a poor old beggar who said that he hadn't had a bite for more than three days.
Vampire 2: So what did you do then?
Vampire 1: I bit him.
Yo Momma Jokes
Yo Momma jokes are funny insults which should not be taken personally because they are just meant for entertainment and some happy time.
Yo Momma Jokes Yo mamma’s so fat, when she goes to take a swim the whales join her singing “We are family!”
Yo mamma’s so fat, when people forget her name they shout “Two and a half men”
Yo Momma’s so fat, you need to help her open her eyelids.
Yo Momma’s so fat, when she seen her feet in the mirror she asked who was down there.
Yo Momma’s so ugly, that when the zombies attacked they asked her to be their leader.
Yo momma’s so poor when she picked up a can from the garbage truck she told you you’ve got a new home.
Yo Momma is so fat, she was blocking the sun when God said “Let there be light”
Yo Momma is so stupid, she missed the ground when she threw a rock at it.
Yo Momma i so dumb, she went to the police to complain a stationary car hit her.
Marriage Jokes
Wife Joke
My wife looks like a bottle of coke. Earlier it was 300ml, now its a 2 litre bottle.
Hilarious Husband and Wife Joke
Husband: Do you know that on an average women read between 10000 to 35000 words a day?
Wife: Yes, that is because they have to repeat everything often to men.
Husband: What?
Funny Wife
Judge: Why did you beat your husband's head with a chair?
Wife: Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift.
Funny Husband
Man1: I am going to be a father.
Man2: Your wife should be happy now I guess.
Man1: The problem is she doesnt know about it.
Funny Quote
You know the happy marriage is over when the husband calls home and says that he will be coming home late for dinner and the answering machine tells that the dinner is in the microwave oven.
Quote
My wife and me were happy for twenty two years. Then we got married to each other.
Marriage Joke
Beggar to a lady: You look like an angel. Kindly give some alms to this blind beggar.
Wife: Look how he is trying to cheat telling he is blind.
Husband: He sure should be blind.
Wife: How do you say?
Husband: He told that you look like an angel.
Funny Joke
Man1: How do you please your wife?
Man2: When you are wrong, admit it. When you are right, shut up.
Hilarious Husband
Man1: My wife says that if I drink once more, she is going to leave me.
Man2: Oh!
Man1: Am going to miss her.
Kid Joke
Boy: Mom, why do women wear white dress during the marriage?
Mom: Because its the happiest and best day in their life.
Boy: Then why do men wear black dress?
Husband and Wife
Wife: I have a happy news for you. Soon we will be three of us in the house instead of two.
Husband: Wow!
Wife: Yes, my mom is coming to stay with us.
Hilarious Joke
Wife: Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife three times a day, gives here roses every evening. Why dont you be also like that?
Husband: Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her.
Quote
What is marriage?
Marriage isnt just a word. Its a sentence... its a 'Life Sentence'.
Ring Joke
Marriage is made up of three rings. The first one is called as the 'Engagement Ring', the second one is called as the 'Wedding Ring' and the third one is called as the 'Suffering'.
Hilarious Joke
Good friends are the ones who stand behind you during your bad times.
To find them, just look at your marriage photo album.
Love Vs. Marriage
What is the difference between Love and Marriage?
Love is a sweet dream while Marriage is the alarm clock.
Love is BLIND but Marriage is the Eye Opener!
Funny Husband and Wife Joke
My wife ran away with one of my best friends last month.
Oh!, how I miss my friend.
Hilarious
Husband and Wife were driving through a highway when they saw soime donkeys.
Husband: Are those donkeys your relatives?
Wife: Yes, kind of. They are my in-laws.
Funny Husband
Man1: What is the secret of your marriage?
Man2: We go to the retaurant, have a candle light dinner and walk back home. I go on Fridays while she goes on Sundays.
Marriage Joke
Man1: When ever I feel stressed or tensed in office, I just look at my wife's photo and all problems disappear.
Man2: Wow!
Man1: The thing is, I look at her photo and think
"No other problem can be greater than this".
Marriage Jokes My wife looks like a bottle of coke. Earlier it was 300ml, now its a 2 litre bottle.
Hilarious Husband and Wife Joke
Husband: Do you know that on an average women read between 10000 to 35000 words a day?
Wife: Yes, that is because they have to repeat everything often to men.
Husband: What?
Funny Wife
Judge: Why did you beat your husband's head with a chair?
Wife: Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift.
Funny Husband
Man1: I am going to be a father.
Man2: Your wife should be happy now I guess.
Man1: The problem is she doesnt know about it.
Funny Quote
You know the happy marriage is over when the husband calls home and says that he will be coming home late for dinner and the answering machine tells that the dinner is in the microwave oven.
Quote
My wife and me were happy for twenty two years. Then we got married to each other.
Marriage Joke
Beggar to a lady: You look like an angel. Kindly give some alms to this blind beggar.
Wife: Look how he is trying to cheat telling he is blind.
Husband: He sure should be blind.
Wife: How do you say?
Husband: He told that you look like an angel.
Funny Joke
Man1: How do you please your wife?
Man2: When you are wrong, admit it. When you are right, shut up.
Hilarious Husband
Man1: My wife says that if I drink once more, she is going to leave me.
Man2: Oh!
Man1: Am going to miss her.
Kid Joke
Boy: Mom, why do women wear white dress during the marriage?
Mom: Because its the happiest and best day in their life.
Boy: Then why do men wear black dress?
Husband and Wife
Wife: I have a happy news for you. Soon we will be three of us in the house instead of two.
Husband: Wow!
Wife: Yes, my mom is coming to stay with us.
Hilarious Joke
Wife: Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife three times a day, gives here roses every evening. Why dont you be also like that?
Husband: Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her.
Quote
What is marriage?
Marriage isnt just a word. Its a sentence... its a 'Life Sentence'.
Ring Joke
Marriage is made up of three rings. The first one is called as the 'Engagement Ring', the second one is called as the 'Wedding Ring' and the third one is called as the 'Suffering'.
Hilarious Joke
Good friends are the ones who stand behind you during your bad times.
To find them, just look at your marriage photo album.
Love Vs. Marriage
What is the difference between Love and Marriage?
Love is a sweet dream while Marriage is the alarm clock.
Love is BLIND but Marriage is the Eye Opener!
Funny Husband and Wife Joke
My wife ran away with one of my best friends last month.
Oh!, how I miss my friend.
Hilarious
Husband and Wife were driving through a highway when they saw soime donkeys.
Husband: Are those donkeys your relatives?
Wife: Yes, kind of. They are my in-laws.
Funny Husband
Man1: What is the secret of your marriage?
Man2: We go to the retaurant, have a candle light dinner and walk back home. I go on Fridays while she goes on Sundays.
Marriage Joke
Man1: When ever I feel stressed or tensed in office, I just look at my wife's photo and all problems disappear.
Man2: Wow!
Man1: The thing is, I look at her photo and think
"No other problem can be greater than this".
Yoga Teacher-Has yoga any effect over your husbands drinking habit?
Women-Yes, now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
Doctor: Your wife's operation will cost a lot. Are you sure you want me to go ahead?
Husband: Whether you cure her or kill her, you will sure get your money.
The wife died after the operation.
Doctor: I am sorry this happened but you will have to pay me for the operation.
Husband: Did you cure my wife?
Doctor: No
Husband: Did you kill my wife?
Doctor: No, not at all.
Husband: Well then, why should I pay you then?
Before marriage a man should think twice before speaking something.
After marriage a man should think twice before speaking nothing.
An elderly couple in a hotel reception desk: "Can you please give us a single bed room?"
Receptionist: "Sorry sir, we have only a double bed room free"
Wife: "Well then, please place the beds together."
Everyone smiled at their affection.
The Wife continued: "So that I can punch him if he starts snoring".
Funny Marriage Jokes
Man 1: I can either marry a filthy rich, old, ugly looking widow who will leave me a fortune or a beautiful, pretty but penniless girl whom I have to support for life. What do you suggest will be the best option for me?
Man 2: Follow your heart and you will live happily ever after.
Man 1: Hmm, okay, I will do that. Now where did I keep the widow's address?
A wife gave her husband a wooden box and asked him to open it after she dies. After thirty years, she died and her husband opened the wooden box. There were three pens and twenty thousand dollars along with a note. The husband read the note:
"Dear, I am sorry. Every time I cheated on you, I bought a pen and kept it inside this wooden box"
The husband was moved and thought, "Not as bad as me. Just three times in these thirty years".
Then he read the postscript on the note: "And every time I got a dozen pens, I sold them and kept the money in the box".
A wife was shouting angrily at her husband, "If my father hadn't given his money for our marriage, we wouldn't have got this LCD TV, car or even the luxury furniture".
Her husband replied, "Well, if your father hadn't given the money, I wouldn't be here".
We are the ideal husband and wife. My wife does not trust me and I don't understand her.
Lady 1: If you don't like your husband why don't you just leave him and go.
Lady 2: Well, I don't like doing anything that will make him happy.
Hilarious Marriage Jokes
How to live longer?
Just get married; every hour of listening to your wife will seem like eternity.
The groom's uncle said, "Good luck young man. A few years down the line you will look back on today and think that it was the happiest day of your life".
Groom: Uncle, did you mean tomorrow? I am getting married only tomorrow.
Uncle: I know that.
Advice to a young man getting married:
First ten years, it will be tri-weekly.
Next ten years, it will be try weekly.
The next twenty years, it will be try weakly!
Husband and Wife
Wife: Didn't you marry me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Absolutely not dear. I would have married you regardless of who left you a fortune.
Wife: You never tell good words about my relatives but keep praising your relatives.
Husband: ok, I agree that your in-laws are better than my in-laws.
Husband and Wife were not talking to each other and only left notes.
Husband pinned a note to the bed: I have to leave early to office tomorrow. Wake me up at 6.
The husband woke up at 7 the next day and found his wife's note: its 6 o'clock. Wake up.
Friend 1: How is your headache John?
Friend 2: It's out shopping now.
Funny Husbad and Wife Marriage Jokes
Lady 1: I think that my husband is cheating on me.
Lady 2: How did you conclude that?
Lady 1: Yesterday he said that he was with John last night for a party. But I was with John last night.
Man 1: I want to marry a girl who is smart, knows to cook, looks beautiful and will care for me.
Man 2: Well then, make up your mind which one of these three you want to marry.
Wife to husband: What a coincidence! You forgot to wish me on my birthday and I forgot how to cook!
There are three kinds of wives:
The beautiful, the caring and the majority.
Lady 1: My husband is known for his rare gifts.
Lady 2: Wow that is so good of him.
Lady 1: Well, I haven't received one in years.
Law of 2nd Marrige
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A:Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
Joke Yoga
Yoga Teacher-Has yoga any effect over your husbands drinking habit?
Women-Yes, now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
Miscellaneous Jokes
okes
Billy was driving along a country lane the other day when a man in a car driving in the opposite direction wound his window down and shouted "Pig". Billy thought "How rude" just as his car hit the pig.
The newscaster said on his final bulletin before retiring on T.V. last evening "The Prime Minister had a meeting with his new cabinet earlier today - before having an argument with a chest of drawers and a heated conversation with a bookcase
Three old men climbed to the top of a ladder where they were met by a genie
who said "As you return back down , whatever you shout, you will land into".
First man goes " Beeeer" as he descends. "Braaandy" shouted the second man.
The third man quite excitedely shouted "Weeeeeeeeeeee".
Jokes
I went into our local music shop the other day and bought an expensive mouth organ.
The shop assistant commented "Do you know, we haven't sold any of these for months, and this is the second one I have sold today". "Oh" I replied " That would have been our Monica.
A man meets a young boy in the park and asks him his name. The boy answers " seven and three quarters". Puzzled, the man asked why he had been given such an unusual name by his parents. The boy replied "Don't know, I think that they just plucked it out of a hat.
A British Army Officer was walking along when he came across a man without any legs or arms sat on the sidewalk with a sign saying "Falkland War Veteran". Disgusted at how his country had treated its veterans, he gave the man two £50 notes to which the man replied "Muchas gracias, senor.
Three old men, all with hearing difficulties, were sat on a park bench. One remarked
"Isn't it windy today?" "No it's Thursday" said the second. "I am as well. Let's go to the pub for a beer.
My friend sent me a weird text the other day. It said " Have been arrested and they are
charging me as being world's ugliest man - come down to station at once and prove
them wrong".
Hilarious Jokes
A friend of mine is really lazy and also thrifty with his cash. The other day, rather than spend £3 having his best shirt dry cleaned, he donated it to the local charity shop. They laundered it and placed it on a coat hanger in the shop. The following morning, he went in a bought it back for 50 pence.
A pretty young woman approaches the man behind the fabric counter and asks how
much some material costs. "One kiss per metre" came the reply. "Okay, I will take
five metres".
The man in anticipation quickly measured, wrapped the material and handed it to the
young woman who seized the package and pointed to the little old lady eside her and
said "Grandma's paying the bill.
The woman on the telephone enquired "What time in the morning will the library
open?". "8.30.a.m." was the reply "I'm sorry, but why are you calling in the middle
of the night asking such a question? Are you that desperate to get it?"
"No" came the reply " I'm desperate to get out".
Two women chatting in the supermarket. One said "But how did you know that your
husband was drunk?" "He tried putting his pin number into the microwave" replied
the other woman.
A french woman phoned reception at the hotel where she was staying in New York
and asked if room service could send her up some pepper to her room.
"Is that black pepper or white paper" asked the receptionist.
"Neither, I want toilet pepper". came her reply.
Misc Jokes
If your cup is half full, you are said to be an optomist but if it is half empty, you
are said to be a pessimist. If you are an engineer, however, your cup is twice as
large as it should have been in the first place.
A man is on the telephone to his Car Insurance firm after being involved in an
accident. "Where did the accident take place sir" asked the person from the insurance
company. "Just by Junction 42" came the reply.
"Where exactly is that" said the insurance person.
"I assume that it is between Junction 41 and Junction 43" replied the man.
A man was on the telephone to his Insurance company following an accident. The
person from the Insurance company asks him
"Did you attempt to avoid the accident by blowing your horn?"
"Do you mean after the accident?" said the man, puzzled.
"No, before" came the reply.
The man replied "Well, I did play in a brass band for 5 years afer I left school".
I had a 2nd reminder from the Tax office the other day sayinf that my taxes were overdue. I went to pay it straight away, saying that I didn't rmember getting a first reminder. " We don't send first reminders out" said the taxman " The 2nd one's are
more effective".
Three men with pocket watches are standing on a hill. The first man throws his watch and halfway down the hill it breaks. The second man throws his and two thirds of the way down, his watch breaks. The third man throws his watch, walks down and catches it at the bottom. "How did you manage that" asked the two men. "Easy",said the third man "my watch is 10 minutes slow".
Funny Miscellaneous Jokes
I went to my local butcher yesterday and I bet him £500 that he couldn't reach the
meat on his top shelf. He replied "I can't accept that bet, the stakes are far too
high".
I went to buy some shoes last week and tried on a pair of loafers. The assistant
asked if everything was okay. "They are a little too tight" I replied. "Try them
with the tongue out" she said. I blobbed out my tongue and said "Nah, they are
still too tight".
I was walking home the other evening when I was attacked by a mugger. I fought
for all my worth but the mugger was stronger and had me pinned down to the
ground, rifled through my pockets only to find a single 50 pence coin. "Why did
you put up such a struggle for a measly 50 pence" "Oh, I thought you wanted the
£100 I've hidden in my sock" I replied.
I telephoned the Police the other day but dialled the wrong number and got
through to the local rambling club. After twenty minutes I hung up the phone – the
woman was just going on and on.
Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot suddenly
broke into hysterical laughter. "What is so funny"? asked the passenger.
The pilot replied " I was just thinking what the governor of the asylum will say when he notices that I've escaped".
Miscellaneous Jokes
I was walking past the lunatic asylum the other day when I heard a female voice
groaning repeatedly "22 22 22 22". Looked in through a gap in the wall and she
poked me in the eye with a stick. As I was walking away clutching my eye I heard
her groan "23 23 23 23".
I was travelling to the train station the other day by taxi and as we approached I
tapped him on the shoulder to tell him where to drop me out. He screamed loudly,
lost complete control of the car, almost ran over an old lady as the cab mounted
the footpath, stopping inches away from a lamp post.
"Don't ever do that again" said the driver. I apologised saying that I didn't realise
that a tiny tap on the shoulder would frighten him to the extent it had. "It's not
really your fault I suppose" the taxi driver lamented "it's my first day as a taxi
driver: I've spent the last fifteen years driving a funeral van."
Billy was driving along a country lane the other day when a man in a car driving in the opposite direction wound his window down and shouted "Pig". Billy thought "How rude" just as his car hit the pig.
The newscaster said on his final bulletin before retiring on T.V. last evening "The Prime Minister had a meeting with his new cabinet earlier today - before having an argument with a chest of drawers and a heated conversation with a bookcase
Three old men climbed to the top of a ladder where they were met by a genie
who said "As you return back down , whatever you shout, you will land into".
First man goes " Beeeer" as he descends. "Braaandy" shouted the second man.
The third man quite excitedely shouted "Weeeeeeeeeeee".
Jokes
I went into our local music shop the other day and bought an expensive mouth organ.
The shop assistant commented "Do you know, we haven't sold any of these for months, and this is the second one I have sold today". "Oh" I replied " That would have been our Monica.
A man meets a young boy in the park and asks him his name. The boy answers " seven and three quarters". Puzzled, the man asked why he had been given such an unusual name by his parents. The boy replied "Don't know, I think that they just plucked it out of a hat.
A British Army Officer was walking along when he came across a man without any legs or arms sat on the sidewalk with a sign saying "Falkland War Veteran". Disgusted at how his country had treated its veterans, he gave the man two £50 notes to which the man replied "Muchas gracias, senor.
Three old men, all with hearing difficulties, were sat on a park bench. One remarked
"Isn't it windy today?" "No it's Thursday" said the second. "I am as well. Let's go to the pub for a beer.
My friend sent me a weird text the other day. It said " Have been arrested and they are
charging me as being world's ugliest man - come down to station at once and prove
them wrong".
Hilarious Jokes
A friend of mine is really lazy and also thrifty with his cash. The other day, rather than spend £3 having his best shirt dry cleaned, he donated it to the local charity shop. They laundered it and placed it on a coat hanger in the shop. The following morning, he went in a bought it back for 50 pence.
A pretty young woman approaches the man behind the fabric counter and asks how
much some material costs. "One kiss per metre" came the reply. "Okay, I will take
five metres".
The man in anticipation quickly measured, wrapped the material and handed it to the
young woman who seized the package and pointed to the little old lady eside her and
said "Grandma's paying the bill.
The woman on the telephone enquired "What time in the morning will the library
open?". "8.30.a.m." was the reply "I'm sorry, but why are you calling in the middle
of the night asking such a question? Are you that desperate to get it?"
"No" came the reply " I'm desperate to get out".
Two women chatting in the supermarket. One said "But how did you know that your
husband was drunk?" "He tried putting his pin number into the microwave" replied
the other woman.
A french woman phoned reception at the hotel where she was staying in New York
and asked if room service could send her up some pepper to her room.
"Is that black pepper or white paper" asked the receptionist.
"Neither, I want toilet pepper". came her reply.
Misc Jokes
If your cup is half full, you are said to be an optomist but if it is half empty, you
are said to be a pessimist. If you are an engineer, however, your cup is twice as
large as it should have been in the first place.
A man is on the telephone to his Car Insurance firm after being involved in an
accident. "Where did the accident take place sir" asked the person from the insurance
company. "Just by Junction 42" came the reply.
"Where exactly is that" said the insurance person.
"I assume that it is between Junction 41 and Junction 43" replied the man.
A man was on the telephone to his Insurance company following an accident. The
person from the Insurance company asks him
"Did you attempt to avoid the accident by blowing your horn?"
"Do you mean after the accident?" said the man, puzzled.
"No, before" came the reply.
The man replied "Well, I did play in a brass band for 5 years afer I left school".
I had a 2nd reminder from the Tax office the other day sayinf that my taxes were overdue. I went to pay it straight away, saying that I didn't rmember getting a first reminder. " We don't send first reminders out" said the taxman " The 2nd one's are
more effective".
Three men with pocket watches are standing on a hill. The first man throws his watch and halfway down the hill it breaks. The second man throws his and two thirds of the way down, his watch breaks. The third man throws his watch, walks down and catches it at the bottom. "How did you manage that" asked the two men. "Easy",said the third man "my watch is 10 minutes slow".
Funny Miscellaneous Jokes
I went to my local butcher yesterday and I bet him £500 that he couldn't reach the
meat on his top shelf. He replied "I can't accept that bet, the stakes are far too
high".
I went to buy some shoes last week and tried on a pair of loafers. The assistant
asked if everything was okay. "They are a little too tight" I replied. "Try them
with the tongue out" she said. I blobbed out my tongue and said "Nah, they are
still too tight".
I was walking home the other evening when I was attacked by a mugger. I fought
for all my worth but the mugger was stronger and had me pinned down to the
ground, rifled through my pockets only to find a single 50 pence coin. "Why did
you put up such a struggle for a measly 50 pence" "Oh, I thought you wanted the
£100 I've hidden in my sock" I replied.
I telephoned the Police the other day but dialled the wrong number and got
through to the local rambling club. After twenty minutes I hung up the phone – the
woman was just going on and on.
Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot suddenly
broke into hysterical laughter. "What is so funny"? asked the passenger.
The pilot replied " I was just thinking what the governor of the asylum will say when he notices that I've escaped".
Miscellaneous Jokes
I was walking past the lunatic asylum the other day when I heard a female voice
groaning repeatedly "22 22 22 22". Looked in through a gap in the wall and she
poked me in the eye with a stick. As I was walking away clutching my eye I heard
her groan "23 23 23 23".
I was travelling to the train station the other day by taxi and as we approached I
tapped him on the shoulder to tell him where to drop me out. He screamed loudly,
lost complete control of the car, almost ran over an old lady as the cab mounted
the footpath, stopping inches away from a lamp post.
"Don't ever do that again" said the driver. I apologised saying that I didn't realise
that a tiny tap on the shoulder would frighten him to the extent it had. "It's not
really your fault I suppose" the taxi driver lamented "it's my first day as a taxi
driver: I've spent the last fifteen years driving a funeral van."
Education Jokes
The Poor Professor
Professor: How was my class today?
Student: It had a happy ending sir. Everyone was happy that it ended.
School PJ
What should you pay apart from fees when you go to school?
Attention
The Witty Student
Teacher: John, I hope I didn't see you copying from George.
John: I hope the same too.
Timing Joke
Teacher: If you add 55467 and 12543 and divide by 1729 what will you get?
John: The wrong answer miss.
Feet in a Yard
Teacher: Do you know how many feet are there in a yard?
Student: Well, first tell me how many people are there in the yard.
Five Domestic Animals
Teacher: Name five domestic animals
John: Dog, cat, cow and two goats.
Funny Teacher Student School Joke
Teacher: Give some example of pronouns.
Student: Who, me?
The Brilliant Student Star
Teacher: Does any one of you know what a comet is?
John: A comet is a star with a tail miss.
Teacher: Good answer, can you give an example?
John: Mickey Mouse
The Math Exam
Student: Miss, I don't think I deserve a 0 in the math exam.
Teacher: Neither do I, but that's the lowest we are supposed to give.
Rome
Teacher: Do you know that Rome wasn't built in a day?
Student: Then was it built during the night miss?
Knowledge and Experience
Knowledge is what you get from reading fine prints.
Experience is what you get from not reading them.
The Chinese Student who learnt English
A Chinese student was learning English from a 30 day rapid learner book. He decided to try it out in the college canteen. When served coffee he replied: Thank you sir or madam, as the case may be.
Funny School Joke
Child: Mom, today my teacher caned me for telling the correct answer.
Mom: What was the question and what did you answer?
Child: He asked me who threw a paper-rocket at him and I gave him the correct answer that it was me.
School Life
The first thing a child learns in school is that his peers are getting more pocket money than he gets.
The Professor
Student 1: No one can win an argument with that professor... he is so unmoving just like the rock of Gibraltar.
Student 2: Blocks the view, doesn't he?
Education Fail
The education system of our country is completely screwed up. 25% of the population cannot read, another 30% cannot write and the rest 60% cannot do basic math.
Professor: How was my class today?
Student: It had a happy ending sir. Everyone was happy that it ended.
School PJ
What should you pay apart from fees when you go to school?
Attention
The Witty Student
Teacher: John, I hope I didn't see you copying from George.
John: I hope the same too.
Timing Joke
Teacher: If you add 55467 and 12543 and divide by 1729 what will you get?
John: The wrong answer miss.
Feet in a Yard
Teacher: Do you know how many feet are there in a yard?
Student: Well, first tell me how many people are there in the yard.
Five Domestic Animals
Teacher: Name five domestic animals
John: Dog, cat, cow and two goats.
Funny Teacher Student School Joke
Teacher: Give some example of pronouns.
Student: Who, me?
The Brilliant Student Star
Teacher: Does any one of you know what a comet is?
John: A comet is a star with a tail miss.
Teacher: Good answer, can you give an example?
John: Mickey Mouse
The Math Exam
Student: Miss, I don't think I deserve a 0 in the math exam.
Teacher: Neither do I, but that's the lowest we are supposed to give.
Rome
Teacher: Do you know that Rome wasn't built in a day?
Student: Then was it built during the night miss?
Knowledge and Experience
Knowledge is what you get from reading fine prints.
Experience is what you get from not reading them.
The Chinese Student who learnt English
A Chinese student was learning English from a 30 day rapid learner book. He decided to try it out in the college canteen. When served coffee he replied: Thank you sir or madam, as the case may be.
Funny School Joke
Child: Mom, today my teacher caned me for telling the correct answer.
Mom: What was the question and what did you answer?
Child: He asked me who threw a paper-rocket at him and I gave him the correct answer that it was me.
School Life
The first thing a child learns in school is that his peers are getting more pocket money than he gets.
The Professor
Student 1: No one can win an argument with that professor... he is so unmoving just like the rock of Gibraltar.
Student 2: Blocks the view, doesn't he?
Education Fail
The education system of our country is completely screwed up. 25% of the population cannot read, another 30% cannot write and the rest 60% cannot do basic math.
Lawyer Jokes
Amusing Lawyer Jokes
My lawyer was trying to get me off a burglary charge. He told the judge " My
client inserted his arm through a window and removed some items. As his arm is
not his whole being, I submit that it would be wrong to punish the whole person
for a crime committed by a sole limb. The Judge replied " Okay - using that logic,
the defendant's arm is sentenced to 2 years in prison and can accompany the limb
if he chooses". So with the aid of my lawyer, I unscrewed my artificial arm,
placed it on the table and walked out of the courtroom.
I went to my lawyer’s funeral last week and was amazed at the turnout. I asked a
man standing at the church " Do you know who all these people are?". "Yes"
replied the man "We are all former clients of his". "That’s nice that you all
wished to pay your last respects". "Not at all" said the man "We are here to make
sure that he's dead".
A drunkard was in court and the judge said "You
have been brought here today
for drinking. Do you understand"? The drunkard replied "Fantastic, when do we
start?".
Comedy Lawyer Jokes
Two friends were at the zoo and one said to the other "What does your Dad do
for work". He drives a coach. "What about yours?" asked the second boy in
return. "He's a lawyer" came the reply. "Honest" exclaimed the first boy "No,
he's like all the others" came the reply.
I was in our local post office the other day and noticed a bald, middle aged man
in the corner putting Love stamps and hearts on loads of bright pink envelopes.
He then sprayed them with women's perfume. I was a little curious so asked him
what he was doing. He said " I'm sending 500 Valentine cards out all signed
"Guess who"? "Why are you doing that" I enquired. The man said "I'm a divorce
lawyer".
Hilarious Lawyer Jokes
A woman is giving evidence in court. "What were the first words that your husband uttered to you on that morning? she was asked.
"Where am I Doreen?" she replied.
"So why did you hit him?" asked the Judge.
"Because my name is Deborah".
A lawyer talking to his client " Bad news is the police found your DNA all over the
scene of the crime." "Any good news" asked the client.
"Yes" replied the lawyer. "Your cholesterol is below 130".
I went to my solicitor and told him that I wished to make a will but didn't know what to do. He said "Just leave it all to me". I was a bit upset by this and replied " Well, I had intended to leave something to the family as well".
5 hilarious things that Lawyers should never say
1. Is it true that you were present until you left the building?
2. Who was it that got killed in the accident - you or your sister?.
3. When the two cars collided, how far away from each other were they?
4. Was that the first time that your brother had committed suicide?
5. When he took your photo, were you present?
Lawyer Jokes
A man was giving evidence in a courtroom and was asked by the Judge "Mr.
Jackson, didn't you have a very fancy honeymoon recently?"
"Indeed I did, Sir" re replied "I went to the Caribbean"
"Who went with you?" asked the Judge.
The Judge asked the woman in court “Is your appearance before me today solely
down to the warrant that the court sent to your lawers?"
"Certainly not" she replied " I always dress this way when going to work.
A Doctor giving evidence in a courtroom is asked the question "Doctor, can
you tell the court the number of autopsies that have been performed by you on
dead people?"
"All of them were dead" replied the Doctor.
Judge says to the accused "When giving your responses, they must all be oral, is
that understood?".
"Yes sir", replied the accused.
Judge asks him " What is your address"
"Oral" replied the accused.
Funny Lawyer Jokes
A man was in court and the Judge asked him “For the record, state to the court
your birth date". "June 20th" replied the man."Which year" asked the judge.
"Every year" replied the man.
A man is in court charged with driving without due care and attention. The
prosecuting lawyer asks him ".Can you tell me the gear you were in at the point of
impact with the other vehicle". The man replied " My best suit as I was on my way to a wedding.
A woman in court room is asked by lawyer “Can you remember the first words that your husband uttered to you on that particular morning? " Yes, Sir" she replied " His first words to me were "What's for breakfast Sally?". "Why should that have upset you?" asked the lawyer. "My name is Barbara" replied the woman.
Lawyer Joke
A group of guests in a party were blaming all of America’s problems on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t actually all that bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $2000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal etc, my bill was $51,000. When the judgement only amounted to $49,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
Boxing Referee Vs. Lawyer Joke
In what way are a lawyer and a boxing referee different?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Funny Lawyers Joke
What number of lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?
Contingent Fee Joke
When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer replied, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I dont' get a penny. If I do win it, you get no penny."
Very Greedy Lawyer Joke
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."
"Why do you think that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'Cost for waking up at night and thinking about your case: $50.99."
Doctor Vs. Scientist Vs. Lawyer Joke
Three proud mothers were bragging about the virtues of their children. The
First said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of numerous patients.”
The second proudly followed, “My son, the scientist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution at all.”
“Psh, that is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients even for the time he spends on the golf course!”
Greedy Lawyer Joke
Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you.
You owe me $600 now and $355.85 a month for the next 48 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds so much like car payments!"
Lawyer: "Yeah, you're actually right -- mine."
Lawyer Joke
A lawyer was driving his Ford down the street, singing to himself, "I love my Ford." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He survived, but his car was Crashed. "My car! My car!" he sobbed.
Another man was driving by and cried out, " you're bleeding! your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, sobbed again, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Funny Joke
Judge: You have been sentenced to death, however you can choose the way you want to die.
Accused: I want to die of old age, your honour.
My lawyer was trying to get me off a burglary charge. He told the judge " My
client inserted his arm through a window and removed some items. As his arm is
not his whole being, I submit that it would be wrong to punish the whole person
for a crime committed by a sole limb. The Judge replied " Okay - using that logic,
the defendant's arm is sentenced to 2 years in prison and can accompany the limb
if he chooses". So with the aid of my lawyer, I unscrewed my artificial arm,
placed it on the table and walked out of the courtroom.
I went to my lawyer’s funeral last week and was amazed at the turnout. I asked a
man standing at the church " Do you know who all these people are?". "Yes"
replied the man "We are all former clients of his". "That’s nice that you all
wished to pay your last respects". "Not at all" said the man "We are here to make
sure that he's dead".
A drunkard was in court and the judge said "You
have been brought here today
for drinking. Do you understand"? The drunkard replied "Fantastic, when do we
start?".
Comedy Lawyer Jokes
Two friends were at the zoo and one said to the other "What does your Dad do
for work". He drives a coach. "What about yours?" asked the second boy in
return. "He's a lawyer" came the reply. "Honest" exclaimed the first boy "No,
he's like all the others" came the reply.
I was in our local post office the other day and noticed a bald, middle aged man
in the corner putting Love stamps and hearts on loads of bright pink envelopes.
He then sprayed them with women's perfume. I was a little curious so asked him
what he was doing. He said " I'm sending 500 Valentine cards out all signed
"Guess who"? "Why are you doing that" I enquired. The man said "I'm a divorce
lawyer".
Hilarious Lawyer Jokes
A woman is giving evidence in court. "What were the first words that your husband uttered to you on that morning? she was asked.
"Where am I Doreen?" she replied.
"So why did you hit him?" asked the Judge.
"Because my name is Deborah".
A lawyer talking to his client " Bad news is the police found your DNA all over the
scene of the crime." "Any good news" asked the client.
"Yes" replied the lawyer. "Your cholesterol is below 130".
I went to my solicitor and told him that I wished to make a will but didn't know what to do. He said "Just leave it all to me". I was a bit upset by this and replied " Well, I had intended to leave something to the family as well".
5 hilarious things that Lawyers should never say
1. Is it true that you were present until you left the building?
2. Who was it that got killed in the accident - you or your sister?.
3. When the two cars collided, how far away from each other were they?
4. Was that the first time that your brother had committed suicide?
5. When he took your photo, were you present?
Lawyer Jokes
A man was giving evidence in a courtroom and was asked by the Judge "Mr.
Jackson, didn't you have a very fancy honeymoon recently?"
"Indeed I did, Sir" re replied "I went to the Caribbean"
"Who went with you?" asked the Judge.
The Judge asked the woman in court “Is your appearance before me today solely
down to the warrant that the court sent to your lawers?"
"Certainly not" she replied " I always dress this way when going to work.
A Doctor giving evidence in a courtroom is asked the question "Doctor, can
you tell the court the number of autopsies that have been performed by you on
dead people?"
"All of them were dead" replied the Doctor.
Judge says to the accused "When giving your responses, they must all be oral, is
that understood?".
"Yes sir", replied the accused.
Judge asks him " What is your address"
"Oral" replied the accused.
Funny Lawyer Jokes
A man was in court and the Judge asked him “For the record, state to the court
your birth date". "June 20th" replied the man."Which year" asked the judge.
"Every year" replied the man.
A man is in court charged with driving without due care and attention. The
prosecuting lawyer asks him ".Can you tell me the gear you were in at the point of
impact with the other vehicle". The man replied " My best suit as I was on my way to a wedding.
A woman in court room is asked by lawyer “Can you remember the first words that your husband uttered to you on that particular morning? " Yes, Sir" she replied " His first words to me were "What's for breakfast Sally?". "Why should that have upset you?" asked the lawyer. "My name is Barbara" replied the woman.
Lawyer Joke
A group of guests in a party were blaming all of America’s problems on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t actually all that bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $2000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal etc, my bill was $51,000. When the judgement only amounted to $49,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
Boxing Referee Vs. Lawyer Joke
In what way are a lawyer and a boxing referee different?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Funny Lawyers Joke
What number of lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?
Contingent Fee Joke
When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer replied, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I dont' get a penny. If I do win it, you get no penny."
Very Greedy Lawyer Joke
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."
"Why do you think that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'Cost for waking up at night and thinking about your case: $50.99."
Doctor Vs. Scientist Vs. Lawyer Joke
Three proud mothers were bragging about the virtues of their children. The
First said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of numerous patients.”
The second proudly followed, “My son, the scientist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution at all.”
“Psh, that is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients even for the time he spends on the golf course!”
Greedy Lawyer Joke
Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you.
You owe me $600 now and $355.85 a month for the next 48 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds so much like car payments!"
Lawyer: "Yeah, you're actually right -- mine."
Lawyer Joke
A lawyer was driving his Ford down the street, singing to himself, "I love my Ford." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He survived, but his car was Crashed. "My car! My car!" he sobbed.
Another man was driving by and cried out, " you're bleeding! your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, sobbed again, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Funny Joke
Judge: You have been sentenced to death, however you can choose the way you want to die.
Accused: I want to die of old age, your honour.
